Confuzzledom

Just a place for me to gather my thoughts


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Not much is so much more than nothing

Thank you all for your replies to my last post. Especially Hails, who is so much more eloquent than me, and hit the nail right on the head. You said exactly what I was trying to, in less words and without sounding bitter/whiney/insert other adjective here.

Apologies for the lack of individual replies. Despite having a four-day weekend (thank you Easter!) I failed to find the time to return to my blog. And now another week has gone by, it’s Friday again and I still haven’t found the time to reply to your comments, or to catch up on all the blogs I actually do want to read, or even to do the dishes. Although, perhaps that’s not strictly true. There are four hours between when I arrive back in Karlsruhe after work and the time I go to bed, and to be honest I have no idea what I do withhose hours. Yes, I have to do the shopping and cook the tea, but surely those things don’t take up 4 whole hours? And so my life moves on, with week days spent at work, and the evenings being used to get nothing done, and the weekend being the time for catching up on the housework and the washing and all the other things that have been on my to-do list since the previous weekend. And suddenly another week has gone by. The next time I look up it’s a month. I’m afraid if I blink too often it will be Christmas! Surely there must be more to life than this? Work, work, work then rush to catch up on the cleaning.

The other day a Facebook friend (a relative, actually) was complaining that she’s going to be turning 29 soon. I wanted to write back “Yes, but you’re almost 29 with a husband and a daughter”. I’m almost 28 and presumably never going to be a wife or mother. Other people my age have been travelled. There was a phase a couple of years ago where everyone was off on “world trips”. Australia, New Zealand, Thailand… all the exotic far away places. My sister went to South Africa for six months, met a guy out there who then moved to England and became a British citizen for her. I only made it as far as Germany. While other people are either settling down or enjoying their freedom, I’m busy just existing. But then I look at some of the people I went to school with. Still living in the small town where they were born, with two or three kids, living only for the weekend when they can find a babysitter and go and get drunk again. And I think maybe I have achieved something after all. Germany is further than nowhere. I have a job I love and that I’m actually good at. That’s something to be proud of. And then I feel guilty because I have so much. So why can’t it just be enough? What will it take for me to accept that I can’t have everything I want? (And we’re back to self pity, which is just one of the many things about me that I really need to change. Get over yourself Bev!!!)

(Title of this post shamelessly stolen from the Tina Dico song One, because it fit so well.)


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We cant ALL be beautiful…

It really annoys me how women’t magazines and self-help books are always trying to get me to believe I’m beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! Every woman is beautiful! No matter whether you’re fat, thin, tall, short, wear glasses, have funny looking arms all you have to do to be beautiful is believe it. Now look in the mirror and repeat 10 times “I am beautiful”. Do that every morning for 21 days (the amount of time it takes to form a habit) and… taa daaa! You too shall be beautiful!

Sorry, but NO. It doesn’t work like that. Believing my hair is blonde will not make it so. Believing I’m a musician won’t magically improve my singing voice. So why should believing I’m beautiful magically make it so? There are millions of people in the world… it’s simply not possible for every single one of them to be beautiful. What they should be telling us to do is be okay with not being beautiful.  Concentrate on the good, yes, but don’t ignore the bad. Pretending I don’t have a big bum won’t make it any smaller, but learning to be ok with it might make me feel better. This is my new goal. Who knows, maybe it will even work…


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Wanna be somebody else

Every once in a while the boyfriend and I have a fight. It’s always almost exactly the same fight and it’s always be who starts it. And every time we make up I realise ho unnecessary the whole thing was. If only I didn’t think so negativly… if only my trying to say how I feel didn’t sound do accusing… if only I realised before I opened my mouth that this problem is all mine. I’m the one that feels hurt and rejected. I’m the one that feels unattractive. I’m the one that reads into things too much. Then maybe, just maybe, we wouldn’t have to argue at all.

SO I’ve decided this needs to stop. I need to stop thinking negatively. I need to get to the root of my problem before I open my big mouth. I need to stop making assumptions.  Basically, I just need to change everything about me.
How hard can that be?

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