NOTE: If you have a problem with the whole sex-before-marriage thing (sorry, but I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly 9 years, living together for almost 3. You really think we don’t do it?!) or just don’t want to read about other people’s sex lives please feel free to click away now. Consider yourself forewarned – and don’t blame me if you get to the end and feel offended! For the rest of you… read on (I promise not to get into too much detail…)
So, over the course of our relationship, the boyfriend and I haven’t always had sex as much as I would like.
Obviously during our two year long distance relationship, not much of anything was happening, but after I moved to Germany I expected things to pick up. Which they did, at first but gradually “it” happened less and less often. Then at some point we would talk fight about it, things would improve for a while, then it would dwindle again until we were doing it maybe once a month.
So, a few weeks before Christmas, after getting nothing for almost two months, I told Jan I was thinking about coming off the pill once all the ones I still had were used up – after all, what was the point in protecting against immaculate conception? (Of course I was going to finish the packets I had left – I pay good money for those suckers! Welcome to any country that’s not in the UK…). Not the best start to that conversation, I admit. Inevitably it ended in a fight (you can’t make start a conversation with those words and not hurt your man’s feelings..), I cried, then I had to go to work. Yes… I have great timing.
The next day, I sat down and wrote a letter explaining everything I wanted to say. It had to be a better option than blurting things out without thinking about what I wanted to say, right? I left the letter for Jan to read and (again) went to work – I wanted him to read it when I wasn’t there, so he would have time to recover from his first reaction and really think about what I was trying to say, rather than getting defensive in the heat of the moment. Later, he thanked me for writing the letter. Then we each agreed to work on what was bothering the other person (basically, he says he’s sick of always being the one to initiate things, while I say whenever I try to initiate anything he doesn’t seem interested, and even things that have worked before never seem to work a second time. Like I said, oversharing…). We then went away for Christmas, sleeping in beds at other people’s houses, and I started my period, which didn’t help… so still no sex.
Then, 2 weeks ago, while in bed, I asked him what I would have to do to turn him on. Unbelievably, his first response was that he didn’t know! (How am I supposed to know if he doesn’t?). He then countered by asking what I’d been trying. Apparantly I was too subtle though – he hadn’t even noticed me doing those things!! In the end I did get a few ideas. But the next time we did it, he was the initiator again… so on Friday night I decided to take the bull by the horns (oo-er, I’ve just realised how dirty that sound in this context!).
When Jan got home, I was finishing off the white sauce for the lasagne while the washing machine beeped furiously. Stress! He immediately offered to hang the washing, allowing me to finish tea. I finished preparing the lasagne, stuck it in the oven, and went to the living room, where I found Jan hanging the last item of washing on the airer. Excellent! I saw my chance and started kissing him. Passionately. After a few minutes of this (plus a bit of neck kissing and… other stuff), he asked “Is there anything you would like”. My response “Well… we have half an hour…” I’ll leave the next bit up to your imagination…
… we finished just in time for the lasagne to come out of the oven. I guess I do still have an affect on him after all…
Why am I telling you this? I know I’ve complained on here before about being sexually frustrtaed and worried that my boyfriend no longer finds me attractive… so I thought for once I would tell you something positive… plus I wanted to tell someone, and I don’t really have anyone other than my blog to discuss my sex life with. (HA, I won’t tell my friends, but the Internet is fair game? I’m so not normal…). And if you’ve got this far and are offended/bored/amazed at my stupidity, well, all I can say is I did warn you at the beginning. I make no apologies… I’ve felt happy and confident all day today, and that was something I wanted to share. 🙂 (But I sincerely hope neither my mother nor any of my colleagues ever comes across this blog…)
p.s. One of the suggested tags from Zemanta for this post is “human sexual activity”. Well, yes I should hope so! As far as I’m aware neither of us are dogs. Or aliens…
Confuzzledom 
aw bless you, we all go through those dryer periods. I know when Amy was little we went away for a romantic weekend and still yadda. it can almost gets a habit not too. Its funny too the roles we all slip into. One thing I read once is to go for naked cuddles by candle light and if nothing happens still you have got close and you are keeping the wall between you from building.
Nakedness would probably help (with or without the candles) – my winter jammies may be warm but even I have to admit they’re not particularly sexy 😉
Glad you seem to have found a solution. My husband and I had to spend a loooot of money on counseling, so way to take the bull by the horns. Literally. Hope things continue to improve in your relationship!
Thank you. I shall continue with my strategy and see what happens. It’s amazing how, despite everything else he does for me, if I don’t get sex for a while I automaticallystart feeling unloved and assume he’s not attracted to me any more. Stupid brain!
I’m pleased things seem to be improving, good on you for bringint it up and for doing something about it. I think writing a letter was a smart move too. Cesar and I had this problem, and I felt exactly the same as you did – even with everything else he did, everything else being good this one thing would start making me feel like he didn’t love me etc., that he felt like I didn’t ever initiate it and I felt like whenever I did he didn’t want it, so I guess I probably stopped trying etc. etc. Obviously we didn’t work it out (which is why you now get to read about my random dates instead!) but there were other factors too, and I really hope you can! And I don’t think you’re weird for posting on your blog about it instead of talking to people in ‘real life’ – there’s a lot of my insecurities, dating stories etc, that will be on my blog but never leave my lips! But you know where I am if you ever do want to talk about it – email/write any time 🙂 xx
Thank you soo much for this – it’s nice to know I’m not the only one! I know a lot of it stems from my own insecurities, but I just can’t help it. Grrr. We have had problems in other areas, but we’re working on them. After I threatened to move out Jan seemed to actually start trying (rather than just saying he would improve then only making an effort for about 2 weeks!).
I think it’s really hard to maintain the ‘tryng’ though…I don’t know, I just know with us we would have a big discussion every so often, and then for a couple of weeks we would both try harder to do whatever, but it would inevitably slide back to how it was before. It came down to the fact that FOR US there were too many differences and not enough in common, so no matter how hard we tried, there would always be something. I hope you can get things sorted though 🙂
I am happy for you things turn out the positive way! Uhh, I am not that good to do sex talk, ha ha 🙂 In my last relationship I was more the one “not in the mood”, especially the last half a year… I sincerely confirm that it was not that I did not love him anymore though. I guess it had more to do with this burnout thing I had and overall not being happy with my life…
How about going on real dates with him? Like going out for dinner, arranging real “together-time” again… of course on a regular basis? Ha, and what I loved was when my (no ex) boyfriend would scribble down small messages on post its which he would hide between all my things 🙂 His were just general notes, such as “life is good” etc but I guess these could be spiced up a little 😉 I had one in my laptop, in my book I was reading one time, in my handbag (which he did not know I hardly use so I found it a year later, ha ha).
Svenjaxx
It’s difficult to find time to spend together because he’s working so much – sometimes until 2 o’clock in the morning (which isn’t great for our sex life either!). We do try to do something with just the two of us at weekends though, even if it’s just watching another episode of The Big Bang Theory. I have sent him sexy text messages in the past (especially when he was in America!), but I’m afraid to do it when he’s at work. Haha.
hehe, maybe not quite like emails which pop up during a presentation on the big screen 😉 Can imagine,,, My ex-boyfriend was sticking to exactly the same working hours, plus he would proceed even from home (being an engineer + having the hobby of programming, putting together hardware and software and everything gadgetty really) whether it is actually work or hobby, pfff.
Poor you, hope he will settle for less intense work hours soon!
Hopefully things will settle down once he has his PhD. Where he works, they have to take part in industry projects, so he has no time to work on his thesis in the office and ends up doing it in the evening/at weekends instead. Not his fault but still frustrating for me.
Another thought, Remember he is a romantic soulful Pisces. He will want to be romanced and seduced, let him come home to a romantic meal or you in your sexy nightie waiting on the bed, take him on dates and woo him a little 🙂 p.s I am just the same I need to be close and feel the soul connection to feel whole and loved.
Technically you are common law husband and wife which means no sex, as once you are ‘hitched’ (so to speak) the honeymoon period is over! At least that is what I jokingly say to my boyfriend! Unfortunately sometimes the boring parts of life get in the way 😦
I think there is something true about what moosenoose said. The boring parts of life get in the way.
During the week everybody is stressed with the job. We both have to get up early and therefore are really tired in the evening. The further in the work-week the more.
But at least we share our hobby and go together to our horses every day after work. So we spend actually quite a lot of time together.
As for the sex, it mainly happens on weekends. Then there is no thought in the back of my head like “I have to get up early, I need my sleep”. As bad as it sounds, during the week it’s rare.
But until now it doesn’t bother me. But yes, I guess I would have a problem if there would be nothing for weeks.
With mainly only on weekends I still get 4 to 8 times a month, so I think its fine. 😉
8 times a month? I don’t think we’ve done it that regularly since the very beginning! We mostly do it at weekends too, but we also mostly go out on weekends and when we don’t get home til 1 a.m. usually both of us are too tired!