OK, you can stop now universe!

On Wednesday, a week after losing our babies, I went back to the women’s clinic where I gave birth. I had been feeling dizzy for most of Tuesday and had a bad headache that night. When the headache was still there on Wednesday morning I decided to call my gynaecologist and was advised to go back to the hospital. After three people failed to take my blood, resulting in my lying there for hours waiting for an anaesthetist, another nurse finally managed and they discovered my haemoglobin was still low… specifically it was 10 grams per decilitre or 102 grams per litre (the nurse used one measurement and the doctor used a different one). It should be 12 or 120. Interestingly I also found out that on Thursday, before I was given IV iron, it had been down to 6… yet I actually felt worse this week than I did then. Maybe because in hospital I was pretty much just lying around whereas on Wednesday I was trying to actually do stuff.

While I was lying around at the clinic waiting to find out what was wrong with me, my mum was keeping me up to date with the other sad family news… within hours of losing my boys, I found out my maternal grandmother had pneumonia. By this Wednesday it was obvious she was going, and she finally passed at 10 p.m. that night, in her own home and surrounded by all 9 of her children – exactly what she had wanted and a fantastic achievement (trust me, getting the all together is hard). She’s been bedridden for years and had Alzheimer’s, among other issues, so in a way it’s a relief that she’s finally at peace, but she was an absolutely amazing woman and will be a huge miss for the family. If I can master the challenges life keeps throwing at me even half as well as she did I will be happy.

All in all, this has been an absolutely awful few weeks for my family (there have also been a couple of other health scares and things that are not mine to talk about here). Next Friday we will hopefully find out what exactly happened with my pregnancy and at some point we should also get out boys’ ashes back and be able to lay them to rest at the memorial for babies who were lost too soon to be officially registered. After that, we can truly start to heal and look to the future. I would just appreciate it if the universe could not throw anything else at us for a while. I think we’ve had enough!


18 thoughts on “OK, you can stop now universe!

    1. Thank you. I hope so too. This year has honestly been a rollercoaster – from being approved for IUI, finding out it had actually worked and that it was twins and now this, which has been the absolute worst two weeks of my entire life. I don’t even think I could cope with good news right now – just give me a quiet few months!

  1. Oh my gosh, I’m mad at the universe FOR you. How absolutely terrible. First and foremost, I hope that you’re feeling better physically. I know emotionally it will take time (and closure) but for now I hope that your body starts to heal and cooperates.
    Secondly, I’m so sorry about your grandmother. She sounds like an amazing woman. And how special that her children were present to say goodbye. I guarantee she’s keeping an eye on you right now and bouncing those little boys of yours on her lap. She’s raise 9 kids- she’ll look after your little guys, too ❤

    1. Thank you lovely. Now I have the iron drops I’m slowly getting better. I’m back at work on Tuesday some we’ll see how that goes.

      Getting all 9 siblings together is an amazing achievement and a real testament to my grandma. She will leave a huge hole in the family but I know everyone will look after each other through it. It’s been amazing seeing all my cousins come together and support each other.

  2. I am so sorry about your grandmother. Sometimes life is just really unfair and miserable and awful and it definitely sounds like it has been like that for you. I hope you feel better (at least physically) soon and that life calms down a bit so you can deal with what you have to deal with.

  3. Bev, I am so sorry for your loss. No one should have to go through this. I hope you’re feeling better physically. Emotionally life will never be the same again, and it will take time to settle into your new ‘normal’, but you’ll get there. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Grief is hard, but don’t hide from it. Own your feelings and this will, in some small way, help you to feel a little control, in an otherwise confusing and frustrating situation.
    with best wishes xx

    1. Thank you. Physically I am feeling much better now I’m taking iron. Still exhausted but at least the dizziness is mostly gone.
      My emotions go through phases. Sometimes it just feels unreal and I still can’t believe it actually happened.

      1. For a long time I felt like the whole thing had happened to someone else, it was surreal. Your body makes your physical recovery a priority, the emotional healing comes later. Give your self all the time you need.

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