Infertility means…*

*Disclaimer: this is entirely about me and my situation. Other people may not think the same way. Other people may have entirely different experiences. Whatever your journey has been like so far, I wish you all the best and sincerely hope you get your miracle soon.

Misty trees

… asking yourself if you’re sure you really want a second cup of black tea today. (I won’t even discuss coffee. The last time I had one was the end of August. At the time we were on an enforced break from IVF because I had to have a hysteroscopy before continuing).

… trying very hard to drink enough water because now staying hydrated is even more important than it is anyway, but hating having to pee in case you see blood.

… being willing to try all kinds  of random things that may or may not help. Eat an avocado every day? Why not, I like avocados. Brazil nuts after transfer? My new favourite snack! Wear socks to bed? Okay! Give up chocolate? Hmm, maybe not that one ;-).

… sitting in the waiting room at your clinic and being greeted by name every time another member of staff walks past.

… always hesitating/checking the before booking a flight somewhere or buying tickets for an event in another location because what if you need to be near the clinic that day for another ultrasound/blood draw/transfer

… constantly scouring the Internet for reassurance that you’re doing the right thing by paying out for another transfer.

… giving up any food that sounds even vaguely yummy every few weeks because this time it might have actually worked and you don’t want to end up feeling guilty because you ate sushi/soft cheese/pâté or took some medicine after a transfer.

… spending the last two weeks of every cycle feeling utterly, completely exhausted because of the progesterone you’re on (all the fun symptoms of early pregnancy but most likely without the actual pregnancy!)

… constantly being afraid that you’ve started spotting, then when you discover you actually have momentarily feeling relief that at least it’s over now and you can move on, before the devastation of what it actually means kicks in. (I am aware that spotting in IVF cycles doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but when it starts the day you would usually get your period Every. Single. Time. and doesn’t stop until you get the negative pregnancy and can stop progesterone it’s really pretty obvious what’s going on).

… not giving up hope. Not now, not any time soon. Putting up with all the early appointments, blood tests, needles and hormones because I still believe that someday, somehow, I will get to be a mother.

26 thoughts on “Infertility means…*

  1. … Eating cookie dough and drinking wine after the negative test because there’s got to be SOME benefit to not being pregnant
    … Trying not to punch people who say “there’s a reason for everything”
    … Walking around on eggshells fearing everything whilst some person out there is drinking and partying and using birth control and not wanting children but STILL getting pregnant

    Xx you’re gonna come out of this in a positive way some day somehow!!

    1. Oh yes, I missed the logging on to Facebook and discovering someone is pregnant with their fourth child and it wasn’t planned because three kids isn’t enough to figure out how contraception works?? (Literally happened twice last year!)

      Thank you. I hope so.

      1. Don’t worry. I just started to wonder if I’d used the wrong address. I hope whoever gets it likes it. I could try another, some time, if you think it would be appreciated.

  2. Ah, it’s so bloomin unfair isn’t it????? I keep hearing about parents who already have several kids where I work being pregnant and I keep thinking about how they already have too many children to cope with/afford (overcrowded) and then lovely people like you who’d just like one to start with, having to wait. It’s crap! Don’t be hard on yourself, you are amazing and all this is so irritating! I keep hoping for you!xxx

  3. Girl. Sending you all the vibes / prayers / juju / thoughts / wishes / etc. It took us a few years to get pregnant, although we did not get to the IVF route. You’ve got this. Don’t second guess that chocolate or the tea- you deserve that and your body will certainly cooperate soon ❤ And in regards to the first comment up there about not punching people who say, "Everything happens for a reason" in regards to miscarriage and infertility….. I say PUNCH THEM.

    1. Your last sentence about punching people made me laugh 😀 Thankfully I have not had anybody say “Everything happens for a reason” yet. (Or worse: “Your babies are in a better place” 1) there is no better place for them than with me and 2) given that I’m not religious/don’t believe they’re “with God” how is in a tiny box in the ground better?).

      My body is a giant pain in the ass and NEVER does what it’s supposed to. My lining shouldn’t shed while I’m on progesterone yet I’ve spotted through progesterone FOUR times now!

  4. It’s so awful when you are in limbo and can’t plan anything! And of course everyone has advice- like that their friend gave up caffeine /dairy/ alcohol / whatever and it worked. But who knows if it was a coincidence or the “winning” thing!

  5. … giving up wearing perfume because you read somewhere it can damage your eggs/embryos
    … dreading the next pregnancy announcement every time you meet up with someone, answer the phone, open a message or log on to social media
    … biting your tongue every time someone well-meaning says “just relax – it’ll happen” or “have you considered adopting?”

    I’m really sorry you’re on this journey, but I hope you get there in the end. X

    1. Oh yes, “X struggled to get pregnant but after 6 months she went on holiday/relaxed and that’s when it worked!” Sorry, but six months isn’t struggling and after 4 years, 1 successful IUI that ended in a second-trimester loss, 2 failed IUIs and 4 failed transfers of good quality embryos I’m pretty sure a holiday isn’t the answer!

  6. I have watched several friends ride this emotional rollercoaster with varying degrees of success. I do hope that doctors warn patients before they start. I really hope it works out for you

      1. I’ll be 38 in 2021 so if it doesn’t work by then we’ll have to consider whether we can even afford to continue with ivf. So it’s either a baby at the end of 2021 (which will be try number 8 – our last embryo, assuming the other 3 we still have fail) or no baby, ever.

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