Things I HAVE done before 30

to-do-listAs you may have noticed, I am turning 30 this year (and if you haven’t you’re either new to this blog – in which case Hiii! – or you really don’t pay attention to what you read…). Naturally, this means the people I went to school with are also turning 30, and being almost the youngest in my year, this means most of my old classmates get to go through it before me.

Recently, yet another guy I knew in high school turned 30 (no, I’m not American. The majority of Northumberland still has first, middle and high schools).  This was his Facebook status on the big day (grammar corrected by me, because I couldn’t bring myself to sully my blog with things like “iv” instead of “I’ve” and a complete lack of full stops/capital letters!) :

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes people. I’ve had a class day with *name of his wife* being spoilt. I’ve been thinking about life and all the things I’ve done and achieved and I haven’t done too bad. Danced for my country all over the world, won and competed in some of the biggest competitions in the world, acted in Byker Grove lol, appeared at the Palladium in Oliver and Les Miserables with some of the best actors, done the Royal Variety Show etc etc. I’m only saying this as they are things I’m very proud to have done, but in the 30 years I’ve been here my two biggest achievements are 1- marrying the girl of my dreams and 2- being able to raise and be part of my amazing little girl’s life. I’m a very lucky person 🙂

My first reaction on reading all that was sadness. My heart immediately sank and I thought “why is it always other people that get to feel like that? When will it be my turn to get what I want?”. But one of the things I want to do differently as I attempt to make some changes in my life is to finally learn think positively, so I stopped myself in my tracks and tried to look at things differently. OK, I may not have met anyone famous (let alone acted with them!), been in any international competitions (mostly because I’ve never wanted to) or even done the two things he is most happy about, namely married the love of my life and created a child. But that doesn’t mean my years on this planet have been wasted. I’ve just done different things – and I’m sure there are plenty that other people I went to school with would be jealous of. Still unconvinced, I decided to make a concrete list of all the things I will have experienced and achieved by the time I turn 30 in August. And then, because merely writing something down for myself could never be enough, I naturally decided that I also had to blog about my experiences. There’s something about posting things on my blog that makes them feel that much more real to me (and plus it gives me an excuse to go through all my old photos, which is almost like experiencing the things I’ve done all over again).

And now that the explanation of why I’m doing this is a million miles long, I think I’ll put the actual list in a separate blog post. Or possibly even split it into sections and make a series of it. I’ve already started writing my list on paper (I would be finished if new things didn’t keep occurring to me!) and will be transferring it to the blog soon. Watch this space!

Time for changes?

Music Note Bokeh
Music (Photo: all that improbable blue)

Isn’t it funny how certain songs seem to resonate with you at different times in your life? I’ve always been a fan of Fleetwood Mac, but recently a particular song has been playing over and over in my head. Or rather part of a song:

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older, and I’m getting older too

The song is, of course, Landslide and is sung by Stevie Nicks.

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing: While I haven’t actually been afraid to make changes as such – in fact, I’ve tried and tried to improve and become the best person I could possibly be in an attempt to prove to my boyfriend that I am worth taking a chance on. But very few of these changes have been for me – I won’t say none, because some have (like learning how to make friends. It hasn’t worked, in case you were wondering), but most of what I’ve been doing has been for our relationship – I’ve built my life around you.

The Passage of Time
The Passage of Time (Photo credit: ToniVC)

But time makes you bolder, even children get older: One of my favourite people in the whole world had a baby last year. On 15 February, that baby will be a year old. And since he was born, nothing seems to have changed in my life. All my friend’s babies are growing up – my ex-boyfriend’s daughter will be 2 in May, and a second baby is now on the way. Sometimes, I don’t think much time has passed, but then I see how much all those tiny babies have changed and realise that it has, in fact, been literally years.

And I’m getting older too: I am getting older. There’s no two ways about it. I’m going to be 30 soon. The big 3-0!! How did that happen? I still remember panicking about turning 25. A whole qarter of a century! I couldn’t have imagined anything worse! But I survived… and now it doesn’t seem like 5 years ago. Each birthday since then has crept up on me, then I’ve woken up the next day feeling no different. 26 is not that much older than 25 after all, and is there really a difference between 27 and 26? Probably not. But the difference between 25 and 30 seems huge, and now I find myself wondering how did I end up here, like this?

change_thoughts
change_thoughts (Photo credit: MMcDonough)

I won’t be breaking up with my boyfriend just yet. For some reason, I still have hope (things have improved over the past year, after all), and we’ve also agreed to at least give it until he finishes his PhD, which will hopefully be in October (meaning he has a lot on his mind right now, even aside from whatever is going on between us). But stay or go, it’s time to make some changes. Not for our relationship. Not to become who I think Jan wants me to be. This time, I want to change for me. So that whether I stay or go, I can be happy within myself. The first step is to figure out what does make me happy.

Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?