Today was utterly, utterly pants. It’s not even like anything specific went wrong. Just every single thing I started to do seemed to take much longer than it should have (including a job that was actually fairly easy, but ended up taking half an hour longer than the planned time. Not good this close to the end of my probation period). Every single time I got started on something I had to stop and do something else… answer the phone, reply to an e-mail, install a random piece of software. Grr. If only I had a time machine so I could rewind to 7 o’clock this morning and start over…
Well, the happy, positive blogging didn’t last long. Today it’s back to my usual moany self.
As we all know I only have about a month and a half left of my internship. At the end of January I shall find out whether they want to keep me on or not. At first I thought I was doing well, then I found out that although I am only good at a very small part of my job. I can translate. I can proofread. That is all I can do. I’m not good at project management. It requires me to be organised. Not one of my strong points. Never has been, never will be. I am also incapable of taking initiative, have no social competence, am no good at working in a team, possess very little common sense, am too quiet, don’t communicate enough, lack confidence, appear unmotivated… the list goes on. In the right kind of job with the right kind of boss and given time I could probably change those things. Unfortunately right now I’m not sure I have any of those things. I enjoy my job, but only the part that I’m good at. My bosses are nice enough but the kind of motivation I need is very different to what they (and most bosses to be honest) are willing or able to give. And as for time… well, I’ve been given until the end of January to prove I can do all those things. The result? I spend most of my time at work praying that there will be lots and lots for me to translate today (so I don’t have to ask for work, proving once again that I can’t figure out for myself what needs doing) and the rest of the time I spend worrying that I’m doing something wrong again without even realising it. I keep catching myself wondering whether, at this very moment, I look motivated and enthusiastic. I wonder whether I’m taking too long over this translation – should I have been finished by now? It’s exhausting, and it means that by the time I get home I don’t have the energy to do anything any more. I need to make some food, but I can’t even bring myself to walk to the kitchen, I was supposed to hand in a translation for uni today (luckily only a practice) but I haven’t even started yet. I have more Christmas presents to wrap but even that is entirely unappealing – and I actually enjoy wrapping presents!
I’m not sure how much longer this can go on. But there’s nothing I can do about it, cos like it or not I really, really need this job.
I used to blog on msn spaces. This was a few years ago, before it changed to windows live spaces, stopped working properly on this computer and generally became incredibly annoying.
A while ago the boyfriend asked me what had happened to that blog. I told him it still exists, I just don’t use it any more. So he suggested I should think about backing it up before msn decide to get rid of it. Today in a fit of nothing better to do I remembered his suggestion and went to have a look at my old blog.
My original, very first msn blog from my final year at uni was deleted when I changed email address. The one that’s still out there starts about half way through my year in Austria and finishes with two one paragraph entry in October 2007, written after a break of 2 months.
And… oh my god, it’s terrible. The first few entries are all “boo hoo, my boyfriend lives in another country and nobody ever invites me to anything and I’m so lo-ooo-nee-lyy”. OK, there’s a few positive ones in between but that’s the gist of it. Then there’s the two months that I spent in England between finishing in Austria and moving to Germany. Mostly filled with getting drunk and talk of how annoying parents are. Then we get to my first year in Germany. Jan and I are now in the same country, so no more moaning about that. Instead we have “I don’t like the school I’m working at, they’re making me go with younger kids when I prefer older ones and I’m sure my mentor teacher hates me. Oh, and the other language assistants don’t like me either. Boo hoo, I’m sooo unpopular”. Reading through them all I could think was christ woman, did you do anything but whinge? Then my thoughts turned to this blog. And what have we here…
1. Bev complains about hardly seeing her boyfriend even though we’re actually in the same country now.
2. Bev complains about having to live in a student residence full of *gasp* students when all she really wants is a place of her own with actual space of for all her stuff, and how come the boyfriend gets to live in a flat anyway?
3. Bev complains about work and how she has no social skills whatsoever and just can’t please the bosses or get her head round the project management side of things. Boo hoo.
4. Once in a while Bev stops complaining about work and switches to talking about how she reeeally doesn’t want to do any studying either. More boo hoo.
Seriously people, something’s got to change!
I didn’t quite get to bed when I said I was going last night, but I was under the covers by 11:30pm (still pretty early) and fell asleep quite quickly, so why am I still tired? I feel like I could sleep for another 10 hours!
It’s a bit chilly today, or maybe it’s just me that’s cold, but as it’s chucking it down outside I think it’s fairly safe to assume it’s not just me. I hate the rain (bet I wouldn’t be saying that if I lived in Africa!) It’s cold and it’s wet and, more to the point, it makes me cold and wet. I only own one waterproof jacket. It’s thick and red and has fur around the hood. It’s a fantastic winter coat. It is not a coat that should be work any time after June, at least not until the seasons go completely crazy and we start having snow in summer and baking hot sunshine in December. I know I said it’s a bit chilly today, but it’s not that cold! I’m going to have to wear it though.
Can you tell I’m in a complainy mood this morning? It’s because I need sleep…