It’s all good!

Day 51 - Together
Together (Photo credit: Cristiano Betta)

Jan has been back from South America for a week now and since then things have been really good between us… and (TMI alert!!) not only because we’ve had some fantastic sex 😉 It’s like nothing at all has changed, but everything has. He’s still working late most nights and I’ve been doing overtime before running around like a headless chicken every evening, trying to get to the post office (I might as well move in there!), do shopping, write Christmas cards (finished those now, thankfully!) and  keep semi on top of the housework. But when we finally do get to sit down together, it just… works. We’ve even has a few serious discussions on topics that we don’t necessarily agree on (nothing to do with our relationship) and haven’t argued. That probably doesn’t sound like a big deal to most of you, but believe me it is! (I’m not very good at stating my opinion without getting loud and argumentative!).

Yesterday, we spontaneously decided to go to the Christmas market together. Jan hadn’t been to it yet this year, so we went and we both agreed that the atmosphere is much nicer now that it’s moved (the place it used to be is currently a giant construction site!). We drank Feuerzangenbowle under the trees and talked about nothing much… and it was just nice (there’s that word again! My GCSE English teacher would have a fit!). Of course, spending the afternoon not doing work means Jan didn’t come to bed until the early hours of the mornin, but having him to myself for those few hours in the afternoon more than made up for that. 2013 hasn’t exactly been my favourite year ever, but I’m hoping this is the start of something good that will continue over Christmas and beyond!

Time for changes?

Music Note Bokeh
Music (Photo: all that improbable blue)

Isn’t it funny how certain songs seem to resonate with you at different times in your life? I’ve always been a fan of Fleetwood Mac, but recently a particular song has been playing over and over in my head. Or rather part of a song:

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older, and I’m getting older too

The song is, of course, Landslide and is sung by Stevie Nicks.

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing: While I haven’t actually been afraid to make changes as such – in fact, I’ve tried and tried to improve and become the best person I could possibly be in an attempt to prove to my boyfriend that I am worth taking a chance on. But very few of these changes have been for me – I won’t say none, because some have (like learning how to make friends. It hasn’t worked, in case you were wondering), but most of what I’ve been doing has been for our relationship – I’ve built my life around you.

The Passage of Time
The Passage of Time (Photo credit: ToniVC)

But time makes you bolder, even children get older: One of my favourite people in the whole world had a baby last year. On 15 February, that baby will be a year old. And since he was born, nothing seems to have changed in my life. All my friend’s babies are growing up – my ex-boyfriend’s daughter will be 2 in May, and a second baby is now on the way. Sometimes, I don’t think much time has passed, but then I see how much all those tiny babies have changed and realise that it has, in fact, been literally years.

And I’m getting older too: I am getting older. There’s no two ways about it. I’m going to be 30 soon. The big 3-0!! How did that happen? I still remember panicking about turning 25. A whole qarter of a century! I couldn’t have imagined anything worse! But I survived… and now it doesn’t seem like 5 years ago. Each birthday since then has crept up on me, then I’ve woken up the next day feeling no different. 26 is not that much older than 25 after all, and is there really a difference between 27 and 26? Probably not. But the difference between 25 and 30 seems huge, and now I find myself wondering how did I end up here, like this?

change_thoughts
change_thoughts (Photo credit: MMcDonough)

I won’t be breaking up with my boyfriend just yet. For some reason, I still have hope (things have improved over the past year, after all), and we’ve also agreed to at least give it until he finishes his PhD, which will hopefully be in October (meaning he has a lot on his mind right now, even aside from whatever is going on between us). But stay or go, it’s time to make some changes. Not for our relationship. Not to become who I think Jan wants me to be. This time, I want to change for me. So that whether I stay or go, I can be happy within myself. The first step is to figure out what does make me happy.

Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Happiness is…

So this evening I was going to blog about how I’m ridiculously tired (again) and this week seems to be going on forever and how unfair it is that the boyfriend is now away until Monday(!) but then I saw this list of stuff to be happy about over at Sleepyjane’s which she wrote as part of this competition by Little Miss Firefly and I thought why not cheer myself up by making my own list (plus I really wanted to be in the competition because the prize is truly fantastic. Seriously – go check it out).
So instead of another boring moan here’s a little bit of sunshine for everyone who’s suffering from the February greys…

Happiness is…

– Meeting friends for coffee, especially friends that you haven’t seen in a while
– Watching forked lighting from insid the house where it’s nice and dry
– Waking up with my boyfriend beside me
– Coming into the kitchen at work just in time to hear a song I like on the radio
– Hearing some (possibly) good news about a flat
– Waking up stupidly early then realising it’s Saturday and I don’t have to go to work
– Finding the perfect gift for somebody and actually having the money to buy it
– The look on that persons face when you give them said gift
– Chocolate brownies for breakfast
– The first daffodils of the year
– Finding incredibly cute cups that are only 75 cents each in the sale and buying them even though I have more cups than I will ever be able to drink out of
– A mailbox full of post, none of which is bills
– Fluffy socks
– A large cup of chai tea and a good book
– Watching Button Moon on Youtube and realising it actually was a good programme and I didn’t just think so because I was about five years old at the time
– A nice hot shower – and no need to rush to be on time for work

Now you tell me yours.

Weekend

What have I done this weekend?

* slept late
* met a friend for coffee and crepes (we discovered a yummy crepes place in Karlsruhe – actually I already knew it was there but didn’t know it was yummy)
* went to see Wall E with the boyfriend. I really enjoyed it. Basically a typical animated pixar film, but still good, and does make you think in a way (what would happen if we really did cover the Earth in so much rubbish it became unable to sustain life?)
* had a random conversation with the boyfriend about commitment or lack thereof and how unfair it is that he makes me happy way more often than I make him happy, and why does he stay with me anyway when I rarely make him happy and clearly am not what he wants, although actually he doesn’t know what he wants, except that he doesn’t want to commit to me, but maybe I could be want he wants if only I wasn’t so sarcastic/childish/pessimistic/obsessive/socially inept/generally a crap girlfriend. (Could that just have been the longest sentence ever?)

So that’s me. Did you all have good weekends?

I’m going to do some uni work now. But not until after I’ve written a letter to a friend. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t find some way to procrastinate.

Reasons to be happy

I’m in a bit of a weird mood right now. My headache has finally gone (yay!) but instead I’m really, really tired, which I suppose it to expected after my first week of working at a new place. New experiences are tiring! I’m also feeling kind of… listless? lethargic? Disinterested? What’s that word that means you want to do something but everything you can think of that you could do sounds really unappealing, so then you end up doing nothing? That’s how I’m feeling. So to try and cheer myself up and motivate myself to go and make some food (which I will be eating alone. Boo hoo) I’ve decided to make a list of reasons that I should really be happy right now.

  1. My headache has finally gone
  2. My boss told me to go home and 10 to four this afternoon. That’s about an hour and a half earlier than I should have left!
  3. It’s finally the weekend
  4. My boyfriend is coming over tonight (ok, so he’s going for a drink with a friend first and will probably turn up drunk just in time for us to go to sleep, but at least I’m going to see him).
  5. It’s nearly my birthday

I can’t actually think of any more. I don’t think I’m very good at this…