The last try…

It seems strange to be writing this somewhere as public as the Internet, but then it’s not like millions of people are flocking to my blog every day, and I’ve always been honest here so why stop now? (Even if a couple of people from my real life know of the blog’s existence…)

On Friday, I checked my e-mail and discovered that I had managed to order a grand total of seven self-help books (both on relationships and improving myself) within a mere four days. Add those to the ones I already have at home and the others that I have on order, but that haven’t arrived yet because they’re coming from America and you have a lot of self help books. I’ve been making resolutions to improve my relationship, be better girlfriend, become more like the person Jan wants me to be and just generally become better for years, and  being a great believer in the power of books, every time we had an argument, or someone reminded me that they didn’t like me or another friend announced they’re engagement and I found myself wondering “why am I not good enough to be more than a temporary thing?” my solution was to get on Amazon and type in whatever key phrase was buzzing round my head at that minute. It had become something like a habit. When things go wrongl, obviously everything you’ve been trying isn’t good enough, so find a new book and try again. I thought nothing of it. But that list of e-mails from Amazon on Friday shocked me. Things have definitely got out of hand! And it’s not even like I’m that bad. Sure, I have faults, and trying to fix them can never really be a bad thing, but I can’t let this take over my life. And so I made a decision. I’m going to read my books, when they arrive. I’m going to carry on trying to improve my relationship (because there are definitely things I need to change. No, Jan is not perfect either, and ther are things he needs to do as well, but that’s no excuse for me not to try), but I don’t want it to take over my life. And this has to be my last try.

So that was Friday. It then took me the whole of Saturday and most of Sunday to pluck up the courage to speak to Jan. Obviously he had to know, but I had no idea how to bring it up without starting an argument, upsetting him (or me… or both of us), saying the wrong thing… It’s not exactly easy to tell someone you’re only given them (and yourself= one more chance. Finally, last night as my sat down to eat, I told him I had been thinking. And he listened to everything I had to say. I was amazed by how well it went. He actually agreed with me… told me he knows where I’m coming from, and he’s glad I said something. So I’ve given us until December. By that time we’ll have been together nearly 9 years. If he still doesn’t know what he wants, then I don’t think he ever will. And as much as I would like us to be happy together, if things go on like this I’m only going to end up hating him. And probably myself as well. Even though I know a lot of the problem is his inability to commit to anything (not just relationships – it’s also part of the reason he’s taking so long to write his doctoral thesis. Because he can’t bring himself to commit anything to paper before he’s sure it’s going to be 100% useful to someone out there…)). But even knowing it’s mostly his problem, I can’t help but think maybe if I try just a bit harder he’ll realise I really am the one for him. And thinking that way is no good for myself esteem! So the end of the year it is. I only hope when the time comes I’ll have the strength to go through with it! In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the rest of 2012. If this chapter of my life is going to end, I want it to end on a high note!

And if you’ve read this far, then thank you for listening! (Metaphorically speaking…)

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Resolution Recap

It’s almost June already. How the heck did that happen? Surely it was only just January?
Anyway… since we are now nearing the sixth month of the year I thought it would be a good idea to dig out my new year’s resolutions and let you all know how I’m doing with them. Goodness knows why I though this was a good idea… perhaps I just like torturing myself?

Soo, resolution number 1 was to try and improve my relationship… to be a better girlfriend and try to make my boyfriend happy (God, remind me why I chose to make the hardest one number one?). I also said that I was going to give it a year, and if my relationship still wasn’t going anywhere I would leave – walk away and let Jan figure out exactly what it is he wants. Much as I would hate to do that, at the time it seemed like the most sensible solution.
Well… if this were a school report the verdict on that one would be “could try harder”. I have managed to be a little nicer… at least intermittently. And as long as I have access to the internet we seem to be arguing less. We’ve also managed to have the occasional talk about things without Jan either going silent or changing the subject and me either crying or shouting, neither of which has the desired effect. OK, so we’ve only managed that about twice, but that’s still two more times than zero. And I still have the rest of the year to work on this…

Number 2 was to become better at work. This mostly involved becoming more emotionally intelligent, less socially incompetent and a good project manager.
The least said on this one the better (mostly because I don’t like to say too much about work on here just in case). I do still have a job though, which is something. And I seem to have got better at pretending not to be utterly terrified when phoning customers. Now I suppose I just have to work on not being utterly terrified.

Number 3. Stop procrastinating. Don’t leave university assignments til the last minute. Actually do the reading that’s set for each week.
I have now actually handed in the assignments for my last two modules, so this one isn’t relevant any more (unless I fail text lingusitics, in which case it will become horribly relevant again soon). But with those two assignments I did exactly what I told myself I wasn’t going to do… left them til the last minute, rushed to buy some books in a complete panic and just about managed to get them finished in time for the hand in date. I think we can write that one off as a big fat FAIL! And next year is thesis time. I already have my suspicions about how that’s going to turn out…

The fourth and final resolution was to get out more and meet up with actual rela live people instead of socialising entirely through my blog and facebook.
I don’t think I really need to tell you how this one is going. I mean, you lot read my blog, right? How many times have you seen me mention a night out or a meeting with friends? My point exactly… (Although I did meet up with a friend on Friday night. She moved to the Netherlands 5 months ago and I hadn’t seen her since so of course I made the effort. And I went to the Maifest at my old student residence. But other than that not much socialising going on over here… especially since my flat became connected to the internet).

Well, that’s the lot. Now you tell me how you’ve been getting on with your resolutions. Only if you’ve failed miserably though… you wouldn’t want to depress me now, would you? 😉

Starting afresh

New year, new start. I’ve been saying those words at the beginning of January for years now. And every year all my good intentions last until about mid-March, then I find myself turning back into the same old me, returning to the same old routine of promising myself that I will make things better, right after I finish this game of Mai Jongg, and get to the end of that book and put this stack of old photos that I’ve just discovered into an album… Hopefully this year will be different.

So, resolutions. They have already been made, the boyfriend has been informed of them. Now all that remains is to set them down in black and white (well white on black really) in my blog. Because only once the whole world knows what I’m planning can it really be official, right? So…

Number 1. Last year I promised I was going to be a better girlfriend. It worked, for maybe a month. Then instead of moving on my relationship seemed to take a step backwards when Jan moved out. No, no. Not like that. We were never actually living together. Both of us just had rooms in the same student residence. Then Jan completed his degree,started working towards his doctorate and decided the time had come to get a flat. With a friend of his. He lated admitted that maybe, just maybe, asking me to move in with him might have been a better idea. But he also admitted later in the year that, although he loves me, I don’t make him happy and he’s not really sure what he wants. So this year’s resolution is to improve my relationship, to try to be a better girlfriend and to make my boyfriend happy. I also told Jan that if we’re still not going anywhere by this time next year, if he’s still not exactly happy with me but unwilling to make any decisions to imporve the situation I will go away and leave him alone, give him the chance to find someone who can make him happy. That is my most important resolution – to try for one more year to improve my relationship, and if I don’t succeed, to admit defeat.

Number 2 in the list of resolutions is to become better at work. I may not even have a job any more after this month. If that happens I’ll just have to try and improve myself at the next place, wherever that may be. This year I want to learn to work better in a team. I want to become emotionally intelligent, socially competent, organised, a good project manager. The kind of person bosses like to have working for them.

Resolution number 3 is to procrastinate less. To stop leaving my university assignments until the last minute. To actually do the reading that’s set for each week. I only have to keep this one up until the end of March when my last assignment for the year is due in. Surely even I can manage to stick to a resolution for 3 little months.

And finally, number 4 is to get out more. Between working full time and studying part time it’s pretty difficult to make room for a social life, plus I’m tired so much of the time that it seems easier to live my life virtually, via the blogosphere and facebook, but even I realise there’s more to life than this virtual reality, so this year I’m going to make more time to meet up with actual real live people, and not just on special occasions either.

So there we have it. Four resolutions. Now everyone please send lots of positive energy and willpower my way. I have a feeling I’m going to need it…