… and back to normal

Well, the happy, positive blogging didn’t last long. Today it’s back to my usual moany self.
As we all know I only have about a month and a half left of my internship. At the end of January I shall find out whether they want to keep me on or not. At first I thought I was doing well, then I found out that although I am only good at a very small part of my job.  I can translate. I can proofread. That is all I can do. I’m not good at project management. It requires me to be organised. Not one of my strong points. Never has been, never will be. I am also incapable of taking initiative, have no social competence, am no good at working in a team, possess very little common sense, am too quiet, don’t communicate enough, lack confidence, appear unmotivated… the list goes on. In the right kind of job with the right kind of boss and given time I could probably change those things. Unfortunately right now I’m not sure I have any of those things. I enjoy my job, but only the part that I’m good at. My bosses are nice enough but the kind of motivation I need is very different to what they (and most bosses to be honest) are willing or able to give. And as for time… well, I’ve been given until the end of January to prove I can do all those things. The result? I spend most of my time at work praying that there will be lots and lots for me to translate today (so I don’t have to ask for work, proving once again that I can’t figure out for myself what needs doing) and the rest of the time I spend worrying that I’m doing something wrong again without even realising it. I keep catching myself wondering whether, at this very moment, I look motivated and enthusiastic. I wonder whether I’m taking too long over this translation – should I have been finished by now? It’s exhausting, and it means that by the time I get home I don’t have the energy to do anything any more. I need to make some food, but I can’t even bring myself to walk to the kitchen, I was supposed to hand in a translation for uni today (luckily only a practice) but I haven’t even started yet. I have more Christmas presents to wrap but even that is entirely unappealing – and I actually enjoy wrapping presents!
I’m not sure how much longer this can go on. But there’s nothing I can do about it, cos like it or not I really, really need this job.

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A matter of perspective

I think I might have been a bit harsh lately when talking about work. (In case you’re wondering, the blog posts in question are now private).

My boss is really quite nice. He actually employed me when most people wouldn’t have given me a chance and he gave me a pay rise, even though I’m only an intern. If I was him I would want to get something out of it too.

Jan says it’s all a matter of perspective, or possibly perception. The boss sees me looking unmotivated, having to ask him for work instead of taking the initiative and finding something for myself… maybe he sees things I could be doing that I just wouldn’t think of. Things that are second nature for other people just don’t occur to me – so I don’t do them, and people who are “normal” think I’m just lazy or shelfish or just don’t care. I on the other hand see me working hard, doing my best and being as motivated as I know how. It’s all a question of attitude I guess. And so-called “soft skills”, which I unfortunately don’t possess. I’m not a good communicator, I take a long time to get used to new situations, I fail to see opportunities to help. It’s the social ineptness thing again. But bosses don’t want socially inept people. They want people who can communicate well, who work as a team, help each other out, are organised and don’t forget things. They also want hard skills I guess, in my case that would be someone who’s good at translating.
At least I got that bit right.

I think I’ll go and do some research on how to become a people person. Who knows, maybe it will come in useful someday.
(That reminds me… Jan told me off last night for doing a Google search for how to impress the boss. Apparantly I’m “missing the point”).