*Note* I am not writing this post because I want people to feel sorry for me. As with most things on this blog I am writing it for me. Because it’s something I’ve been thinking about and getting it down on paper (figuratively speaking) is the best way for me to a) make sense of it and b) get it out of my brain so I don’t have to lie awake all night wondering why I can’t just be normal. End of note. Now on to the blog post.
I don’t deal well with social situations. Never have actually. I’m stupidly shy and just not a people person. Plus I lack social skills. I have no idea what to say to people I either don’t know or only know slightly, so when I’m placed in a situation where I’m supposed to socialise with them I tend to go really, really quiet and wait for someone to start a conversatiton with me. This usually leads to people thinking I’m either antisocial or miserable… not the kind of person you really want to start a conversation with. So they don’t and I don’t and once again I go home having had a really boring night and feeling like a complete failure.
That’s one scenario. Then there are the times I try too hard. I talk too much, laugh too loudly and for too long and say inappropriate things. The problem is I don’t even realise I’m going to say something inappropriate until it’s already out of my mouth and people appear uncomfortable, embarassed or start looking at me like I’m some kind of alien. Funnily enough this doesn’t exactly endear people to me either. In fact, I think they probably prefer the me who doesn’t talk. After all, antisocial is better than embarassing and weird.
Another factor is that I have low emotional intelligence. That doesn’t mean I don’t have any emotions… of course I have emotions. I’m not a robot! Although sometimes I wish I was… then someone could just reprogram me and I wouldn’t be here now boring the internet with my problems. No, not having emotional intelligence has nothing to do with lacking emotions… it just means I don’t understand my emotions or have trouble dealing with them. It also means I have trouble recognising and understanding other people’s emotions… so I can upset/offend/annoy someone without even realising it. Or, more often, I will notice that something’s wrong but I have no idea why. In my mind whatever it is I said was perfectly normal and nothing to get upset about. I have to really think about what I’ve said before I can work out what was wrong with it… and even then I can’t always see why it was that bad. Add to that the fact that I practically can’t manage to say three sentences without adding a major dose of sarcasm and you’ll see why I have trouble making friends. And the reason I can get on with bloggy people and penpals? Because it’s so much easier for me to realise how things are going to come across when I see them written down.
As I’m sure you can guess, this lack of emotional intelligence also makes its contribution to the not-so-good side of my relationship. Obviously it’s not our only problem, and not everything that’s wrong is my fault, but it is a major factor, which is actually part of the reason I’m writing this post. You see, yesterday the boyfriend and I made a deal. He will tell me his problems, rather than bottling them up and pulling away from me, and I will try to be nicer. So this blog is part of my attempt to figure out how to be nice, because honestly… I’m not sure I have it in me…
Well, the happy, positive blogging didn’t last long. Today it’s back to my usual moany self.
As we all know I only have about a month and a half left of my internship. At the end of January I shall find out whether they want to keep me on or not. At first I thought I was doing well, then I found out that although I am only good at a very small part of my job. I can translate. I can proofread. That is all I can do. I’m not good at project management. It requires me to be organised. Not one of my strong points. Never has been, never will be. I am also incapable of taking initiative, have no social competence, am no good at working in a team, possess very little common sense, am too quiet, don’t communicate enough, lack confidence, appear unmotivated… the list goes on. In the right kind of job with the right kind of boss and given time I could probably change those things. Unfortunately right now I’m not sure I have any of those things. I enjoy my job, but only the part that I’m good at. My bosses are nice enough but the kind of motivation I need is very different to what they (and most bosses to be honest) are willing or able to give. And as for time… well, I’ve been given until the end of January to prove I can do all those things. The result? I spend most of my time at work praying that there will be lots and lots for me to translate today (so I don’t have to ask for work, proving once again that I can’t figure out for myself what needs doing) and the rest of the time I spend worrying that I’m doing something wrong again without even realising it. I keep catching myself wondering whether, at this very moment, I look motivated and enthusiastic. I wonder whether I’m taking too long over this translation – should I have been finished by now? It’s exhausting, and it means that by the time I get home I don’t have the energy to do anything any more. I need to make some food, but I can’t even bring myself to walk to the kitchen, I was supposed to hand in a translation for uni today (luckily only a practice) but I haven’t even started yet. I have more Christmas presents to wrap but even that is entirely unappealing – and I actually enjoy wrapping presents!
I’m not sure how much longer this can go on. But there’s nothing I can do about it, cos like it or not I really, really need this job.
Just, you know, in case you were wondering. The evil cold of doom is still lurking, meaning my throat is killing, food tastes like ash and every muscle in my body aches, but I haven’t succumbed to the chaise longue of death just yet. (If you don’t understand that last comment you’re clearly one of those unenlightened souls who hasn’t discovered Katyboo yet. This is something that needs to be remedied. Click on the link now. I shall wait. My blog isn’t going anywhere, promise).
So I had my first Spanish lesson last night. It was fun! The three hours went by remarkably fast. Hmm, that reminds me, must buy the book before next week’s lesson…
The progress meeting was… well, exactly as I expected really. Basically I was told I have all the necessary hard skills (ie. I can translate & proofread well and they’re really pleased with that side of things) but I have no social competence. She actually said that! Well, she said it in German, but it meant that. Ok, maybe social skills would be a better translation (German is Sozialkompetenz) but you knew what I meant. So, I have 2 months to prove that I do have social skills, to become more integrated into the team, to learn to take initiative and say the right thing and convince my superiors that I’m motivated and enthusiastic and want to be an active part of their team. Then I’ll be allowed to stay. If I can’t manage to do all that stuff by the end of January I shall be job hunting again.
Anyone know where I can get a personality transplant?