Why?

* Why is it impossible to buy malt vinegar or fruit squash in Germany (except in English shops which don’t count)?

* Why are the people on my floor incapable of learning that the crappy wooden cooking implements we have do not belong in the dishwasher?

* Why is my bosses dog obsessed with my shoes?

* Why do days and months go by so fast while hours crawl by at tortoise speed?

* Why are these sour cream and onion flavour stacker crisps so addictive?

* Why was fizzy bottled water ever invented?

* Why is every single bar of Cadburys chocolate available in German shops (except the Curly Wurlys in Rewe) some weird American type that doesn’t even exist in the UK; where Cadbury’s was invented?

* Why are Americans so obsessed with peanuts? There are peanuts in almost every one of the aforementioned chocolate bars!

* Why is love not enough to make some people happy?

* Why does the nice bit of autumn where it’s still vaguely warm and all the leaves are pretty colours only last about 30 seconds?

* Why do I keep checking Amazon for new book recommendations when I can’t even afford to buy the ones that are already on my list?

* Why is eating healthily so expensive? For the price of a packet of tomatoes I could buy 5 chocolate bars!

* Why did I just write this list?

Questions over questions as my boyfriend would say.

Memety meme

It’s meme time again methinks.
The original idea of this one was to answer the questions using one word only. But like the person I stole it from, katyboo, I’ve decided to completely ignore the one word thing and just answer the questions. Here goes…

1. Where is your cell phone? It’s a mobile, not a cell phone. In America it may be a cell phone, but here it’s a mobile.
Umm, as for where mine is…. still in my work bag I believe. Actually I should take it out and turn it back off silent. I’m expecting a call…


2. Your significant other? At work. And probably will be for a while. My boyfriend has a thing for working late.


3. Your hair? Is sort of reddish brown. I used to hate it. These days I think it’s ok… some days at least.


4. Your mother? is in England I presume. I’d be quite worried if she wasn’t. My friends all think she’s brilliant cos she was only 20 when i was born so she’s still really cool, unlike there parents who like to play Bingo at the local working men’s club and would never drink cocktails in Spain with their daughters.


5. Your father? He’s in England too. Probably looking after my two year old brother. The man is insane!


6. Your favourite thing? it changes a lot. I have lots of favourite thing. Probably my most favourite thing of all is books though, closely followed by mashed potatoes. And currently I’m love with my new jumper. Jan bought me it last week and it’s very, very nice.


7. Your dream last night? I don’t remember dreaming. I just know I was woken up three times by the sound of my boyfriend grinding his teeth. Funnily enough I’ve been tired all day… again.


8. Your favorite drink? Orange Ribena. You can’t get it here though. Damn Germans depriving me of my favourite things…


9. Your dream/goal? As a ki I dreamed of being a writer. Now I’d settle for translating books. Apparantly there’s not much money in it though so I’d have to get rich first.


10. The room you’re in? That would be my room in the German student residence that I currently live in. It’s far too small for all the stuff I’ve accumulated over the two years I’ve been living here, and it’s the only room I have to live in. Regular readers will know that I’m fed up of it and really, really, really want to move out.

11. Your hobby? What, you think I have time for hobbies?? Well, alright I suppose blogging is a hobby. That then. And reading. Having to take a tram to work gives me time for that.


12. Your fear? Losing all my friends. Oh, and that I’ll never get married. I have visions of myself ending up as a mad cat lady with no family or friends. And I don’t even like cats, which makes it extra scary.


13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Not living in this student residence for a start. Other than that.. who knows. It would be nice to wax lyrical about husbands and well paying jobs but then I’ll only be disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

14. What you’re not? Talented. At anything. Unless translation counts as a talent. Does it?


15. Muffins? What about them? they’re a kind of cake. I like the double chocolate ones, especially when they’re still warm and the chocolate chips inside are all soft and gooey.


16. One of your wish list items? Books. Lots and lots and lots of books. I have a list of books I want to read – it currently takes up about 10 A4 sheets of paper and I keep adding to it Or failing the books I’d settle for enough money to buy them all myself.


17. Where you grew up? All over the place. My dad was in the army. We never got sent to anywhere exciting though. Just northern Ireland for two years. But the place I consider home would be Northumberland. I moved there when I was 13 and it was the first place I’d ever lived by choice (my dad was out of the army by then and I moved up to live with him).


18. The last thing you did? Wrote the answer to the last question. Oh, you mean before that. Err, took a tram home from work. Exciting no?


19. What are you wearing? Dark grey work trousers, a polo neck and a brown jacket with fur around the hood. Oh yeah, and Snoopy socks.


20. Favorite gadget? Does a potato masher count as a gadget? Jan’s got one with two mashy bits, one that’s fixed at the bottom then a second one that moves towards the one at the bottom when you press down so the potatoes that have come through the first mashy bit get squished too. It’s brilliant.


21. Your pets? Ha! Like I’d be allowed any of them in a student residence!


22. Your computer? non-exisitent. Seriously, I don’t have one. This here belongs to the boyfriend.


23. Your mood? Is tired a mood? If not then no mood, they take up too much energy.


24. Missing someone? I live in Germany. Almost all my friends are in England. What do you think?


25. Your car? DOn’t have one of those. I can’t even drive. My mum’s been going on at me about learning for years but she’s not willing to pay for the bloody lessons is she.


26. Something you’re not wearing? A hat.


27. Favourite store? I can’t possibly answer that. There’s too many! I do like Tally Weijl though. And Nanu Nana.


28. Like someone? No, of course not. I hate everybody in the whooole world. Including myself. And my boyfriend. What kind of a daft question is that?


29. Your favourite colour? red


30. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier today, at the bosses dog. She’s only a puppy and very silly.

Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies

I decided not to do question time last week since it had been such a slow week on the search engine terms front and there were only about three questions that were worth answering. The seven days since then haven’t been much better, but I don’t have anything else to write about and with the pickings from two weeks I should just about be able to scrape together enough questions for a whole blog post. Plus it might take my mind off the mosquito bite on my ankle (it’s itchy! Aargghhh! Make it stooop!).
Sooo, here goes. Time to answer the latest questions that have led Google readers to Confuzzledom…

1. Did you know the world is going to end?
Oh my gosh, is it really? And there was me thinking it was going to go on forever and ever. Thanks sooo much for spoiling my illusion. Next you’ll be telling me Father Christmas doesn’t exist…

3. Joachim Loew pronounce
So I’m guessing what you actually mean here is “How do you pronounce Joachim Loew”, although if you can’t even get the question right I don’t see why anyone should answer you. Hmph. But since I’m kind…
I wouldn’t even bother with the Joachim part if I were you. Just call him Jogi, all the Germans do. That’s pronounced Yogi by the way. As in the bear. And Loew is pronounced a bit like Lurrrv. Yogi Lurrrv. I bet you’ll never forget that again.

4. 24, what year was I born?
Okay Mr (or Ms.) anonymous googly person. I really don’t believe you’re actually 24. Surely if you were you’d have amanged to figure out what year you were bron by now. This is definitely someone trying to find out which year to out on their fake ID.
But just in case you really are 24 and for some unknown reason have managed to forget your year of birth here’s a tip for you. If you’re going to be 25 before December 31st you were born the same year the Red Hot Chilli Peppers formed. Now go ask Google for the answer to that riddle…

5. Ways to say summer is over.
Sorry, can’t help you there mate. I only know one way to say it and it’s right there in the question. Or do you think just saying “summer is over” is too direct? You could try saying “autum is here” I suppose. I mean, it does kind of imply summer is over. It can’t really be both at the same time…

6. I’ve got a headache could I have drunk
Drunk what? Don’t stop there, I was just starting to get intrigued! Do you think it might have been weedkiller? I don’t – I suspect that might give you a bit more than just a headache. Maybe it was the opposite of a pain killer… like a pain causer. Yeah, I bet that was it. Sshh, don’t tell anyone how you made it though, or we’ll all be wanting some for the days that we don’t feel like going to work…

OK, that’s it. Six measly little questions in two whole weeks. Do you think it’s cos all the kids have gone back to school?

Answering the world’s questions

I’ve had a headache and a sore throat all day today and I’m very, very tired, so I can’t be bothered to think of anything to blog about. Instead I’m going to get my friendly neighbourhood search engine users to do the thinking for me. Yes, it’s that time again. Time to answers the questions that google springs upon me. Those of you who don’t know what I’m on about about can go and read the introduction to my previous questions and answers session. The rest of you may carry on reading.
Here come the questions…

1. Questions to ask to prove people are drunk
I wouldn’t have thought you’d need to ask them anything. Surely the staggering around bouncing off walls thing gives it away. If you really can’t tell try asking them their phone number. I know I can never remember mine when I’m drunk. Mind you, I probably couldn’t tell you it when I’m sober either so it’s not exactly a foolproof test.

2. Why am I still tired when I wake up?
Possibly because you spent half the night on the computer asking Google stupid questions. Either that or you were forced to share a room with someone who snores. Or it’s Wednesday. Nobody can fail to wake up tired on a Wednesday. Fact.

3. How to practice translation
Find something to translate. Translate it. Show your translated version to a native speaker of that language. Find out your translation is crap. Translate the text again. Continue until either a) you get bored or b) your brain turns to mush from trying to think in two different languages at once. If you can keep this up every day for a month you’re ready to become a translator.

4. How to tell difference between black & navy socks
You can’t, it’s impossible. I suggest you throw out all the boring black and navy socks and go get yourself some interesting ones.

5. Why do I dream of serial killers
Three possibilities.
1) You’re a psycho
2) There actually is a serial killer out to get you
3) You’ve been watching too many horror films.
You choose which one you think applies to you.

OK, that’s all for today. My stats have been rather slow on the questions front lately and I really don’t feel like answering 12 different variations on the “I am bored” theme. If you enjoeyed this pop on over to Katy’s place for more question time. Meanwhile I’m off to suck on a strepsil and drink enough tea to fill a small bath.

Answering the questions that you ask.

Well not you personally. The general public type of you. Or more specifically that part of the general public that types questions into Google and ends up at my blog.
I actually kind of stole this idea from Katyboo, but I’m pretty sure she’s not the only blogger that’s ever done this so she won’t mind me stealing it… will you Katy?

So for those who don’t know the concept, I shall explain.
Basically wordpress has a statistics page where it tells me, among other things, how many people have looked at my blog and what link they clicked on to get here. It also tells me what people typed into search engines that led them to me. This blog will be a sort of question and answers session, where I take some of the search terms and answer/comment on them.

And now, without further ado, it’s time for me to answer the world’s questions…

1. What to do when bored at midnight?
You could try to going to bed. That’s traditionally where people are at midnight. Unless they have something better to do, which you clearly don’t otherwise you wouldn’t be bored.
Wow, that was easy. Next question please…

2. How to make my crap smell worse.
Why? Why would you want to do that? Personally I think crap already smells bad enough, even the less smelly varieties. It’s a waste product for goodness sake! If you really, really want to go through with it try eating lots of Mexican food. All those spices have to have some effect, right?

3. Why don’t babies blink often?
Don’t they? I haven’t been around enough baby babies to notice. My guess would be becasue they have smaller eyes.

4. How do the Brits cook their tea?
Do you mean tea as in cups of tea? Cause in that case we don’t. Why would you want to cook tea? You just put it in a cup or tea pot (in one of those strainer things if it’s loose) and add boiling water. Then you leave it to stew for a while. No cooking involved.
If by tea you mean the evening meal – which I doubt because only people from Northern England call it that and they wouldn’t need to ask – we probably cook it the same way you do, in an oven or on a stove. Unless you’re a caveman, in which case you cook your meals slightly differently…

5. What is the German law on naming babies?
I’ve done a post on this before, so this time I shall be brief.
Basically it says the name is not allowed to harm the child in any way, so no calling your kids Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii (this really happened, by the way…). Oh, and it has to clearly state the gender of the child, so names that can be used for either sex either have to combined with a middle name that’s one or the other or made into double (hyphenated) names. If the officials don’t believe your choice of name is actually a name you have to prove it. And no, saying “but Frank Zappa named his daughter Moon Unit” does not count as proof.

6. What can you do when you turn 25 years old?
– Panic
– Get incredibly drunk and go around telling people that you’re actually not 25, not at all, it’s just a vicious rumour.
– Stay in bed all day and pretend it isn’t happening
– Or you can choose to embrace it. After all, being only 5 years away from 30 isn’t that bad… right?

7. What to do if you drank too much water?
Stay near a toilet would be my advice. You’re going to be needing it. You could also try eating some mashed potatoes or something – that might soak up the excess.