OK, you can stop now universe!

On Wednesday, a week after losing our babies, I went back to the women’s clinic where I gave birth. I had been feeling dizzy for most of Tuesday and had a bad headache that night. When the headache was still there on Wednesday morning I decided to call my gynaecologist and was advised to go back to the hospital. After three people failed to take my blood, resulting in my lying there for hours waiting for an anaesthetist, another nurse finally managed and they discovered my haemoglobin was still low… specifically it was 10 grams per decilitre or 102 grams per litre (the nurse used one measurement and the doctor used a different one). It should be 12 or 120. Interestingly I also found out that on Thursday, before I was given IV iron, it had been down to 6… yet I actually felt worse this week than I did then. Maybe because in hospital I was pretty much just lying around whereas on Wednesday I was trying to actually do stuff.

While I was lying around at the clinic waiting to find out what was wrong with me, my mum was keeping me up to date with the other sad family news… within hours of losing my boys, I found out my maternal grandmother had pneumonia. By this Wednesday it was obvious she was going, and she finally passed at 10 p.m. that night, in her own home and surrounded by all 9 of her children – exactly what she had wanted and a fantastic achievement (trust me, getting the all together is hard). She’s been bedridden for years and had Alzheimer’s, among other issues, so in a way it’s a relief that she’s finally at peace, but she was an absolutely amazing woman and will be a huge miss for the family. If I can master the challenges life keeps throwing at me even half as well as she did I will be happy.

All in all, this has been an absolutely awful few weeks for my family (there have also been a couple of other health scares and things that are not mine to talk about here). Next Friday we will hopefully find out what exactly happened with my pregnancy and at some point we should also get out boys’ ashes back and be able to lay them to rest at the memorial for babies who were lost too soon to be officially registered. After that, we can truly start to heal and look to the future. I would just appreciate it if the universe could not throw anything else at us for a while. I think we’ve had enough!

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The phone call…

When the phone range before I left for work yesterday, I was pretty sure I already knew what it was going to be about. Phone calls that early in the morning never bode well! And I was right. My grandpa passed away in his sleep on Monday night, or early hours of Tuesday morning really. My emotions about it are a bit mixed, to be honest. It’s sad of course. Knowing I’ll never see him again really isn’t nice. But on the other hand, we’ve known it was coming for a while, and in many ways it’s a relief to no longer be waiting for the call. Also, towards the end he had no quality of life… he was sleeping a lot, on a tonne of painkillers that made him confused most of the time, and he hadn’t been able to eat or drink for days. And we can take some comfort in the fact that he lived to experience his 80th birthday (and was still doing relatively well at that point) – the milestone he kept saying he wanted to reach.

The funeral is on Monday, so I’m flying over on Sunday (alone this time – Jan has meetings on Monday and Tuesday that he can’t get out of), so things might be a bit quiet around here for the next few days. I’ll be back soon though.

RIP grandpa. Forever in our hearts.