Not much is so much more than nothing

Thank you all for your replies to my last post. Especially Hails, who is so much more eloquent than me, and hit the nail right on the head. You said exactly what I was trying to, in less words and without sounding bitter/whiney/insert other adjective here.

Apologies for the lack of individual replies. Despite having a four-day weekend (thank you Easter!) I failed to find the time to return to my blog. And now another week has gone by, it’s Friday again and I still haven’t found the time to reply to your comments, or to catch up on all the blogs I actually do want to read, or even to do the dishes. Although, perhaps that’s not strictly true. There are four hours between when I arrive back in Karlsruhe after work and the time I go to bed, and to be honest I have no idea what I do withhose hours. Yes, I have to do the shopping and cook the tea, but surely those things don’t take up 4 whole hours? And so my life moves on, with week days spent at work, and the evenings being used to get nothing done, and the weekend being the time for catching up on the housework and the washing and all the other things that have been on my to-do list since the previous weekend. And suddenly another week has gone by. The next time I look up it’s a month. I’m afraid if I blink too often it will be Christmas! Surely there must be more to life than this? Work, work, work then rush to catch up on the cleaning.

The other day a Facebook friend (a relative, actually) was complaining that she’s going to be turning 29 soon. I wanted to write back “Yes, but you’re almost 29 with a husband and a daughter”. I’m almost 28 and presumably never going to be a wife or mother. Other people my age have been travelled. There was a phase a couple of years ago where everyone was off on “world trips”. Australia, New Zealand, Thailand… all the exotic far away places. My sister went to South Africa for six months, met a guy out there who then moved to England and became a British citizen for her. I only made it as far as Germany. While other people are either settling down or enjoying their freedom, I’m busy just existing. But then I look at some of the people I went to school with. Still living in the small town where they were born, with two or three kids, living only for the weekend when they can find a babysitter and go and get drunk again. And I think maybe I have achieved something after all. Germany is further than nowhere. I have a job I love and that I’m actually good at. That’s something to be proud of. And then I feel guilty because I have so much. So why can’t it just be enough? What will it take for me to accept that I can’t have everything I want? (And we’re back to self pity, which is just one of the many things about me that I really need to change. Get over yourself Bev!!!)

(Title of this post shamelessly stolen from the Tina Dico song One, because it fit so well.)

Then and now

I used to blog on msn spaces. This was a few years ago, before it changed to windows live spaces, stopped working properly on this computer and generally became incredibly annoying.
A while ago the boyfriend asked me what had happened to that blog. I told him it still exists, I just don’t use it any more. So he suggested I should think about backing it up before msn decide to get rid of it. Today in a fit of nothing better to do I remembered his suggestion and went to have a look at my old blog.
My original, very first msn blog from my final year at uni was deleted when I changed email address. The one that’s still out there starts about half way through my year in Austria and finishes with two one paragraph entry in October 2007, written after a break of 2 months.

And… oh my god, it’s terrible. The first few entries are all “boo hoo, my boyfriend lives in another country and nobody ever invites me to anything and I’m so lo-ooo-nee-lyy”. OK, there’s a few positive ones in between but that’s the gist of it. Then there’s the two months that I spent in England between finishing in Austria and moving to Germany. Mostly filled with getting drunk and talk of how annoying parents are. Then we get to my first year in Germany. Jan and I are now in the same country, so no more moaning about that. Instead we have “I don’t like the school I’m working at, they’re making me go with younger kids when I prefer older ones and I’m sure my mentor teacher hates me. Oh, and the other language assistants don’t like me either. Boo hoo, I’m sooo unpopular”. Reading through them all I could think was christ woman, did you do anything but whinge? Then my thoughts turned to this blog. And what have we here…

1. Bev complains about hardly seeing her boyfriend even though we’re actually in the same country now.
2. Bev complains about having to live in a student residence full of *gasp* students when all she really wants is a place of her own with actual space of for all her stuff, and how come the boyfriend gets to live in a flat anyway?
3. Bev complains about work and how she has no social skills whatsoever and just can’t please the bosses or get her head round the project management side of things. Boo hoo.
4. Once in a while Bev stops complaining about work and switches to talking about how she reeeally doesn’t want to do any studying either. More boo hoo.

Seriously people, something’s got to change!