2014 on Confuzzledom

I’m fascinated by blog stats, particularly search terms, which are often hilarious. So here’s a look at my top search terms and most-viewed posts for 2014:

My top posts in 2014:

  1. Chicken, leek and bacon mashed potato topped pie. This post from last year randomly started getting loads of views in October and has featured in my stats every single day since then. It was viewed a total of 365 times from 28 December 2013 to 28 December 2014.
  2. I Wouldn’t Thank You for a Valentine. Usually this is my most viewed post, but this year it lagged behind with a mere 247 views. I wonder if that means teachers have stopped assigning it for GCSE?
  3. German Foods I Love and Loathe came third with 171 views, proving that you can never go wrong with sausages and potatoes 😉
  4. Sukie’s Cake Shop, Karlsruhe. A relatively recent post this one – I only wrote it in September. But it still managed a whole 164 views between then and now. Which just goes to show how few people are blogging about things to do in Karlsruhe!
  5. So You Want to Learn German? This post got 137 views. I just hope it was useful to someone…

And now my top search terms for the year

  • The mysterious woods of whistle root pennell
  • confuzzledom
  • give me something to do
  • rewe cafeteria frankfurt airport
  • nagold old church

Nothing particularly exciting there – the good search terms are usually the ones that only come up once. But it’s still interesting to see what most people who end up on my blog are looking for.

And now, in no particular order, my five favourite search terms that have found me this year. None are quite as fun as last year’s, but luckily I’m easily amused 😉

  • marketing xmas cards from ex colleagues
  • playmobile wino
  • linda the giant sausage
  • mmm stinky foot
  • xxx girl bum

Now it’s your turn… tell me about 2014 on your blog! Or alternatively tell me what your favourite search term is that’s led someone to you.

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How about some good news?

It seems that my last post struck a cord with people. My stats haven’t shown that many views for a while (35 yesterday in case you were wondering… yes, I’m that popular. *sarcasm mode off*). Anyway, in all the confusion and mixed up feelings I completely forgot to mention my good news… I got the provisional result for my dissertation yesterday (subject to approval by the exam board). I got 70%! For my non-English readers… that’s actually good! Yes, I know it’s 30 whole percent less than 100, but if you bear in mind that you can’t actually get anything about 85% it puts it in perspective. Plus I was only aiming for a pass, which would have been 50%, so I’m happy. The mark becomes official on 5th July.. hopefully it won’t change too much, if at all, then all my marks will be added together and I’ll find out what I’ve got for the whole degree. And at some point in November I’ll finally get my certificate. For now, though, I shall sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge that my Master’s is in the bag and I don’t have to do any more assignments… at least until the next time I decide to inflict an OU course on myself. By the way, if anyone was thinking of buying me a gift for my birthday in August, OU vouchers are always appreciated 😉 (I jest, of course. I’m not even going to be in Germany on my birthday this year). Right, I’m off to spend some time with my boyfriend now. I started a ten-finger typing course this morning, which ran from 9 – 12:30 (and it’s every Saturday from now til 24th July. Woe, woe, woe) so the only thing we’ve done together today is weekly food shop. Not much fun. Enjoy the rest of your weekend everyone 🙂

Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies

I decided not to do question time last week since it had been such a slow week on the search engine terms front and there were only about three questions that were worth answering. The seven days since then haven’t been much better, but I don’t have anything else to write about and with the pickings from two weeks I should just about be able to scrape together enough questions for a whole blog post. Plus it might take my mind off the mosquito bite on my ankle (it’s itchy! Aargghhh! Make it stooop!).
Sooo, here goes. Time to answer the latest questions that have led Google readers to Confuzzledom…

1. Did you know the world is going to end?
Oh my gosh, is it really? And there was me thinking it was going to go on forever and ever. Thanks sooo much for spoiling my illusion. Next you’ll be telling me Father Christmas doesn’t exist…

3. Joachim Loew pronounce
So I’m guessing what you actually mean here is “How do you pronounce Joachim Loew”, although if you can’t even get the question right I don’t see why anyone should answer you. Hmph. But since I’m kind…
I wouldn’t even bother with the Joachim part if I were you. Just call him Jogi, all the Germans do. That’s pronounced Yogi by the way. As in the bear. And Loew is pronounced a bit like Lurrrv. Yogi Lurrrv. I bet you’ll never forget that again.

4. 24, what year was I born?
Okay Mr (or Ms.) anonymous googly person. I really don’t believe you’re actually 24. Surely if you were you’d have amanged to figure out what year you were bron by now. This is definitely someone trying to find out which year to out on their fake ID.
But just in case you really are 24 and for some unknown reason have managed to forget your year of birth here’s a tip for you. If you’re going to be 25 before December 31st you were born the same year the Red Hot Chilli Peppers formed. Now go ask Google for the answer to that riddle…

5. Ways to say summer is over.
Sorry, can’t help you there mate. I only know one way to say it and it’s right there in the question. Or do you think just saying “summer is over” is too direct? You could try saying “autum is here” I suppose. I mean, it does kind of imply summer is over. It can’t really be both at the same time…

6. I’ve got a headache could I have drunk
Drunk what? Don’t stop there, I was just starting to get intrigued! Do you think it might have been weedkiller? I don’t – I suspect that might give you a bit more than just a headache. Maybe it was the opposite of a pain killer… like a pain causer. Yeah, I bet that was it. Sshh, don’t tell anyone how you made it though, or we’ll all be wanting some for the days that we don’t feel like going to work…

OK, that’s it. Six measly little questions in two whole weeks. Do you think it’s cos all the kids have gone back to school?

Answering the questions that you ask.

Well not you personally. The general public type of you. Or more specifically that part of the general public that types questions into Google and ends up at my blog.
I actually kind of stole this idea from Katyboo, but I’m pretty sure she’s not the only blogger that’s ever done this so she won’t mind me stealing it… will you Katy?

So for those who don’t know the concept, I shall explain.
Basically wordpress has a statistics page where it tells me, among other things, how many people have looked at my blog and what link they clicked on to get here. It also tells me what people typed into search engines that led them to me. This blog will be a sort of question and answers session, where I take some of the search terms and answer/comment on them.

And now, without further ado, it’s time for me to answer the world’s questions…

1. What to do when bored at midnight?
You could try to going to bed. That’s traditionally where people are at midnight. Unless they have something better to do, which you clearly don’t otherwise you wouldn’t be bored.
Wow, that was easy. Next question please…

2. How to make my crap smell worse.
Why? Why would you want to do that? Personally I think crap already smells bad enough, even the less smelly varieties. It’s a waste product for goodness sake! If you really, really want to go through with it try eating lots of Mexican food. All those spices have to have some effect, right?

3. Why don’t babies blink often?
Don’t they? I haven’t been around enough baby babies to notice. My guess would be becasue they have smaller eyes.

4. How do the Brits cook their tea?
Do you mean tea as in cups of tea? Cause in that case we don’t. Why would you want to cook tea? You just put it in a cup or tea pot (in one of those strainer things if it’s loose) and add boiling water. Then you leave it to stew for a while. No cooking involved.
If by tea you mean the evening meal – which I doubt because only people from Northern England call it that and they wouldn’t need to ask – we probably cook it the same way you do, in an oven or on a stove. Unless you’re a caveman, in which case you cook your meals slightly differently…

5. What is the German law on naming babies?
I’ve done a post on this before, so this time I shall be brief.
Basically it says the name is not allowed to harm the child in any way, so no calling your kids Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii (this really happened, by the way…). Oh, and it has to clearly state the gender of the child, so names that can be used for either sex either have to combined with a middle name that’s one or the other or made into double (hyphenated) names. If the officials don’t believe your choice of name is actually a name you have to prove it. And no, saying “but Frank Zappa named his daughter Moon Unit” does not count as proof.

6. What can you do when you turn 25 years old?
– Panic
– Get incredibly drunk and go around telling people that you’re actually not 25, not at all, it’s just a vicious rumour.
– Stay in bed all day and pretend it isn’t happening
– Or you can choose to embrace it. After all, being only 5 years away from 30 isn’t that bad… right?

7. What to do if you drank too much water?
Stay near a toilet would be my advice. You’re going to be needing it. You could also try eating some mashed potatoes or something – that might soak up the excess.

Things to do when you’re bored

My stats are telling me that those people that aren’t enquiring about Joachim Loew (please can someone explain to me what the obsession is?) mostly find my blog via Google searches for things like “I am bored”, “I’m getting bored” or “so bored now”. Unfortunately my blog isn’t very interesting, so all these poor bored Googlers probably went away feeling even worse than when they’d started. But just in case any of them does decide to stop for long enough to actually read something on my blog I thought I’d compile a list of things to do when you’re bored.

  1. Read a book. If you’re not normally much of a reader try getting hold of a book that a film you like was based on. The books are almost always as good if not better than the film. Stephen King’s The Green Mile for example is an excellent book, and one of the few I’ve read where the film actually stuck to the plot. If you’re female and enjoyed the film Beaches, see if you can get hold of the book by Iris Rainer Dart. Much, much, much better than the film.
  2. Go somewhere. If you have a bike go for ride, otherwise take a walk. Even in the smallest of villages there’s always somewhere you can walk. Take your mp3 player with you if you like and listen to your favourite music while breathing in the fresh air. Maybe you’ll find something else to do on your travels – a football game you can join in or a new shop to look in. You won’t be bored anymore and you’ll be getting some exercise. Double bonus!
  3. If you can afford it, try getting on the train or bus and going somewhere new for a day trip. You could even go by car if you have one. Take a trip to a nearby town that you’ve nevr been to before, take a look around and see what’s there. Or go to the zoo or sealife centre. Always fun, no matter what your age.
  4. Learn a new language. There are plenty of websites where you can learn the basics for free. To start you off here’s the URL for the BBC languages website: http://www.bbc.co.uk/languages/
    If you don’t feel like learning one language properly try learning four words in a few languages: Hello, goodbye, please, thank you. Brilliant for impressing the locals on your next holiday! They’ll be so much more friendly if you can thank them in their own language…
  5. If you’re not interested languages there are plenty of other skills out there waiting for you to discover them. You could learn to knit, or the art of paper folding or even teach yourself to play an instrument. The possibilities are endless.
  6. Start a blog. Write about whatever comes into your head. Before you know it loads of time will have passed.
  7. Bake a cake. Always fun, and you get to eat it afterwards. The only part that isn’t so fun is cleaning up the mess you make…
  8. Write a letter. It’s all about e-mails these days and hardly anyone sends proper post anymore. Sending snail mail is guaranteed to brighten up someone’s day as well as making you feel less bored.
  9. Play a game. A board game or a card game. Get your whole family to join in. Games nights are a lot of fun.
  10. Take an Open University course. They have so many there’s sure to be something you’ll like!
  11. Go out ans get some exercise. Join a gym or a football club. Take salsa lessons. Go jogging or take up yoga. There’s bound to be some kind of sporting activity you’ll like doing.
  12. If you really can’t think of anything better to do watch a DVD or play a computer game.
  13. Take a nap. You can’t be bored when you’re sleeping…

That’s all for now. I’m sure there are many more things I do when I’m bored, but right now I can’t think of them. If anyone else has any suggestions feel free to leave them in my comments. Maybe the next time a bored person stumbles across my blog they’ll find something more interesting to do than telling Google how bored they are…

Shoes and other things that girls worry about before a night out

Loking at my stats, I’m quite pleased to see that my bookcrossing blog got 25 views yesterday and another 5 today. Now if only all 30 of those people have signed up things would be perfect. The more bookcrossers there are out there the higher the liklihood that I’ll find a free book lying around just begging for me to take it home and read it. Free books are definitely among my favourite things in the world. Actually, I quite like anything that I don’t have to pay for, but books are definitley among the best.
Good old Joachim Loew and his cigarette are still getting me a lot of traffic as well. His nickname is Jogi you know, which amuses me greatly. In German a ‘j’ is pronounced like an English ‘y’, so Mr. Loew shares his name with a certain cartoon bear. *snigger*

I’m feeling quite excited today. Jan and I are off to Baden Baden tonight with 6 other people. We’re going to a rather posh hotel called Brenner’s Park. I’m not sure how many stars it has… 4? 5? I just know it’s posh. And we’re going to have a 6 course meal there. Six courses! I don’t know how I’ll fit it all in! I’ve spent the whole morning making random comments like “I really need to pluck my eyebrows” and “I’m not sure what shoes to wear”. I expect Jan was quite pleased to escape back to his flat where he’s going to do computer sciency type stuff until it’s time to get ready. He wanted me to meet him at Marktplatz later so we can get the tram to the train station together, but I insisted that he come here first so I can take a photo of us in our posh clothes. It’s not often that I get an opportunity to get dressed up in posh clothes. I need photographic evidence to prove that it is actually possible for me to look good.

I have to go and write another job application now. This time for a company in Mannheim. Then I can get back to wondering what on Earth I’m going to do with my hair tonight.

Mainly about my stats

I decided to check my stats yesterday to see whether anyone is actually reading by blog.
For those of you who don’t know, wordpress has a stats page where you can see how many people have been to look at your blog, which wordpress tags they clicked on to get there and also which terms typed into a search engine led people here.

rubber_gloves
rubber_gloves (Photo credit: How can I recycle this)

I was most amused to see that 3 people found my blog last night using the search engine term “rubber gloves”. I’m not sure why it’s funny.  There’s nothing particulalry humorous about a pair of rubber gloves, but the term made me laugh. I can’t help but wonder what is a person who types “rubber gloves” into Google looking for? Call me cynical, but I don’t think they wanted to buy a packet of rubber gloves. They’d have found what they wanted long before they got to me in that case. Somehow I don’t think my blog is anywhere near the top Google hit for rubber gloves, which means these people must have scrolled through pages and pages of results to find me. Why??

I was also amused by all the Joachim Loew smoking related questions. One search for joachim loew cigarette, 2 for Joachim Loew smokes and 1 for Joachim Loew+cigarette. I guess the people I was with weren’t the only ones who were shocked and outraged by the sight of Joachim Loew lighting up.

I almost overslept this morning. It seems I somehow managed to turn the alarm clock off instead of just hitting snooze. I woke up at 10 to 7, which gives me plenty of time to eat breakfast (which I’m doing now, in front of the computer instead of in the kitchen. Bad Bev!), but didn’t give me time for a shower. I did wash myself thoroughly over the sink using my new aloe vera liquid soap, but it’s just not the same. Now I’m going to spend all day being paranoid about smelling. Grr, as if waiting for that woman to call didn’t give me enough to worry about.
It’s Friday though, which is good. Just 9 hours of work then I can forget about it for a whole two days. Long live weekends!