The unknown is scary…

Queenstown

Recently we had a meeting with the doctor at the fertility clinic and were able to put a plan in place. Basically we’ve agreed that, since it worked so well last time, I will try the same procedure again. Same hormonal injections followed by insemination. I’m not going to tell you exactly when we’ll be trying again – partly because I want to keep some things private. I don’t really need dozens of people waiting to hear the results of my pregnancy test! But also because I don’t know myself exactly when we’ll be able to try again. It all depends on how quickly my body gets back to normal after the loss. Since I was nearly 17 weeks along and there were two babies, its slightly different to a “normal”, early miscarriage. I do know I have to wait two cycles, so it definitely won’t be happening this year. Much as I would like to finally be able to hold a baby in my arms, I’m okay with that. After everything that’s happened this year, I’d be happy with an uneventful rest of 2018. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past three years, it’s patience. When baby-making doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to there is a lot of waiting involved. Waiting for the right time in your cycle to have certain tests, waiting to see whether it’s actually worked this time round, and waiting for the right time to start treatment. I’m used to waiting.

One of the worst things about having to start this process all over again – apart from the obvious fact that my boys deserve to still be here – is not knowing whether we will ever end up with a living, breathing baby that we can actually bring home with us. I was very lucky that I responded so well to the hormones and the IUI worked first time. That’s now what usually happens, and the doctor has already prepared me to not expect that again. We have two tries left and after that…. who knows. I am hopeful that things will work out for us, but it would be a lot easier if it was possible to look into the future and see that, if we just keep going, one day it will all have been worth it.

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Goodnight, sleep tight

Misty trees

Yesterday we laid our boys to rest at the memorial for babies who were born too soon to be registered. They were cremated the day before – we asked for them to be laid in a single basket for the cremation, that way they’ll always be together. Then their ashes were placed in a heart-shaped wooden urn. We weren’t there for the cremation, but we saw the urn at the cemetery yesterday and it was beautiful.

The sun was shining brightly yesterday, a beautiful day to say goodbye. We read them Guess How Much I Love You – their first and last bedtime story – and told them we love them and we’ll come and visit them again. Hopefully at some point with their younger sibling. It was sad but nice. I’m glad we got to say goodbye and that we have a place where we know they are.

Afterwards, we walked into town and had a delicious hot chocolate at the chocolate café – much more fitting than raising a glass of something alcoholic, I think. We also lit the tea lights again in the evening.

“I miss you more than words can say
A part of me has torn away
A china heart will always break
A fracture to a twisted face
But things are gonna heal again
Eyes once blind will see again
I miss you more than words can say
I miss you more than words
Quickfade”
~ Feeder, Quickfade

🌟 Shine bright, tiny stars. We promise to never forget you. 🌟

Style Imitating Art: Bottles of autumn

So, funny story about my entry for this round of Style Imitating Art… I had my outfit all picked out, put it in the suitcase when we went away for a night, then we promptly left the suitcase on the train. Doh! On the plus side, when we went to buy a few necessary bits we found out that the supermarket in Yverdon les Bains sells bamboo tooth brushes. I had been planning for a while to look into ordering one (our branch of the same supermarket does not have them) but never got around to it. Silver linings. And the suitcase has been found – we can pick it up tomorrow. But anyway, I digress… with my original outfit gone, I had to think of something else to wear. Here is the inspiration art, chosen by Danael.

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It’s called Pocket Flask. I love the colours… so appropriate for autumn! And the patterns on the bottles are so interesting. Since we went out for the day today, I got Jan to take a photo of me with all the autumn colours of nature in the background, also so fitting for the inspiration. Here’s what I chose to wear:

SIA-5Nov18

This owl dress is by “Miss Style London”. I believe I bought it from DaWanda, which was the German version of Etsy (but stopped hosting shops recently and is now just a craft site). I’ve had it for about 8 years though so I’m not 100% sure! I thought the colours were really fitting and the patterns at the bottom and on the owls were a good imitation of the patterns on the the flasks. I’m also wearing green tights (not visible, but never mind) and a brown cardigan from Primark (purchased before our move to Basel, so three years ago at least). Some close ups of the owls:

I added some earrings to the outfit, both because the colours fit and they’re kind of glassy looking (although I think they’re actually plastic), which seemed appropriate. Below a photo of me that actually shows one of them plus one of just the earrings. They came from a clothes shop… no idea which one.

It’s already pretty late, but if you fancy joining in and can cobble together an outfit at short notice please do, and then send it to Danael at livingoutsidethestacks@gmail.com by tomorrow (Tuesday 6 November). A round up will go up on her blog on Wednesday and it’s well worth checking out what outfits other people came up with inspired by the art. There are always some amazing contributions!

Autumn walk 2018

Since we moved to Switzerland, I’ve gone out and taken photos along the same little stream at the same time every year. The first two times, it was a coincidence… I just happened to take photos of that particular walk on the same date both times. Last year it was on purpose, although I was a day out with the date. This year, I decided to do it again… having forgotten that I got the date wrong last year I again went out on 31st October. It was a far better day for a walk than the 30th though – although it was still grey and cold, it was the first time all week that it wasn’t absolutely chucking down!

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The first year we lived here, I felt compelled to take photos because everything was so gloriously orange. This year, after a very dry summer, lots of the trees seemed to give up early, their colours fading and their leaves shrivelling and turning brown – some of them had even lost their leaves before autumn officially rolled around. I swear the tree by our balcony has been yellow and half bare for about 2 months! Then autumn dawned like a slightly cooler summer so that those trees that had hung on to their leaves thus far didn’t realise the season had actually changed and are either still green even now or just beginning to change. So what we’re left with is a slightly odd mix of bare branches, dry brown leaves, and bursts of red and yellow amongst otherwise fully green trees. But that’s enough waffling from me… take a look for yourselves:

Finally, here’s one photo from each of the four years. Sadly not taken in the exact same place, but I think it gives you an idea of the differences in colours. Hopefully I’ll be able to continue the experiment next year!

Goodbye October

It’s 1 November today. October is over and I feel like I can finally take a breath.
Today also happens to be the first Thursday of the month, and thus What’s New With You day with Kristen, so you should definitely check that out. I won’t be linking up – my regular readers know how my October was and those coming over just from the link up don’t need to be confronted with that – but I wanted to write something to mark the end of the absolute worst month of my entire life.

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In October, we lost our baby boys. With them we lost our hopes and dreams, our joy about finally starting our family. All our plans for the future have had to be put on hold… we have no idea for how long.

In October, I also lost my grandma – an amazing woman who never stopped making everyone laugh, no matter what life threw at her. She raised nine children, lost her husband relatively early and still kept on going. If I can get through the hard times with even half as much strength as she did I’ll be doing okay.

While we’re on the subject of grandma’s, my other grandma had a pacemaker fitted about a week ago (eventually, after it was postponed twice!). The operation went well, thankfully, but really universe? Was it actually necessary to throw another thing at me in October?

However…

In October I also learned that I can get through the absolute worst thing I could have imagined without falling apart. Whatever life throws at me, I can survive it. Of course I have cried, raged and felt numb at various times. I’ve gone through phases of being unable to believe this is actually happening to me. In the early days, I occasionally actually forgot I wasn’t still pregnant, then I would suddenly remember that it no longer mattered how I got out of bed or what kind of cheese I ate and the sadness would hit all over again. I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for the past month. But I didn’t break down completely. Even at my lowest points, it never occurred to me to give up. It’s an ongoing process, my life will never, ever be the same, but I know I will get through this and whatever lies ahead.

In October, Jan and I grew even closer. We had already been through a lot over the past couple of years just trying to conceive our babies. We got through that together, and now we are getting through the loss of our babies together. I am genuinely so proud of how we handled this situation, and particularly of how Jan handled it. He dealt with all the practical aspects – keeping our families informed about what was happening, calling work for me when I couldn’t bring myself to say what had happened out loud, calling the hospital and the pathologist to find out what was happening. He held me when I cried, made me cups of tea and lit candles for both our boys and my grandma. And he also looked after me throughout my physical recovery – bringing me my antibiotics and breakfast in bed so I wouldn’t have to get up, making sure I ate enough even when I didn’t feel like it, doing a load of washing when I first came home from the hospital so all my maternity clothes were clean ready to be put away where I didn’t have to look at them. In the hospital we both talked a lot about our feelings (there wasn’t much else to do!) and I am now more convinced than ever that he is going to be a fantastic dad when the time comes for us to actually bring a baby home. Soon we will hopefully start the process of trying to conceive all over again, and there is nobody else I would rather go through it with.

In October, I also learned that people can be amazing. My friends, of course, have all been wonderful (they are my friends for a reason!), but I have also received lovely messages from the most unexpected people – from someone I knew at school and was convinced hated me back then to the colleague I would least have expected to reach out. I guess the old adage about finding out who your friends are is true. My entire extended family  have also rallied round with messages of support. Every single one of my blogging friends (and I consider you all my friends) has been fantastic. Every kind word, every message of support, every e-mail and every text has meant the absolute world to me. Both people I love and people I barely even interacted with previously have reached out, told me their stories, helped me believe it really, truly will get better. Even through all the sadness, so many people out there have actually managed to make me smile.

Even though I am mostly okay on most days, I am glad to be saying goodbye to October, but along with the grief I will always remember the positives. It’s going to be a long winter this year, but with Jan, my friends and my family, I will come out the other side stronger than before. And I truly believe that one day we will actually get a baby to bring home and raise. I just hope we don’t have to go through any more heartbreak before we achieve that goal.

A Photo an Hour: 27 October 2018

On Saturday, I took part in a Photo an Hour, hosted by Jane and Louisa. Jan had a concert in Bern, so once he left in the afternoon I was home alone. Here’s what i got up to:

9:30 a.m. Starting the day with iron drops… can’t have tea yet as it inhibits absorption.

10:30 a.m. Breakfast with the boyfriend! Scrambled eggs, bread rolls and jam.

11:30 a.m. Freshly showered… and now I can have a cuppa!

12:30 p.m. Working on some Christmas cross stitch (so much to do, so little time left…)

1:30 p.m. Which colour do I need next?

2:30 p.m. I didn’t want to go out in the rain, but I needed to pick up a repeat prescription, so when Jan headed to the train station I went with him. At least my new boots are doing their job of keeping my feet dry!

3:30 p.m. Back home in the dry, drinking apple and mint tea from a very autumnal mug.

4:30 p.m. Supposed I’d better do some housework at least… hoovering the kitchen.

5:30 p.m. Once you start it never ends! Now emptying the dishwasher.

6:30 p.m. With dinner in the oven, I lit some candles to mark the fact that I would have been 20 weeks pregnant with my twins that day. Life goes on, but we haven’t forgotten ❤

7:30 p.m. Pointless Celebrities!

8:30 p.m. In my pyjamas already, drinking hot chocolate.

9:30 p.m. Off to bed with a new book. I love this cover!

10:30 p.m. Final photo of the day. Still reading… I finished the book in one sitting and loved it!

That was my Saturday. How was yours?

How do you mark an event that will never happen?

Yorkshire Sculpture Park

Tomorrow I would have been 20 weeks pregnant. I was looking forward to it – the halfway point in my pregnancy. It felt like a real milestone. My next ultrasound was already booked for Monday and it would have been the first time Jan got to see our babies moving inside me, having missed the 12-week ultrasound. We would probably have found out at that ultrasound that we were having boys and started talking seriously about names.

Now tomorrow will just be another day. I’m no longer pregnant. I have no ultrasound to look forward to. It feels weird. I’m not sad, exactly. More feeling a little lost. What do you do when a day that would have been significant no longer actually means anything?

Jan has a concert in Bern, the same one that I went to on Sunday, so he’ll be out until late, leaving me with no plans. I might take part in photo an hour just to give me something else to think about. I have a feeling it’s going to be an odd kind of day.