The unknown is scary…


Recently we had a meeting with the doctor at the fertility clinic and were able to put a plan in place. Basically we’ve agreed that, since it worked so well last time, I will try the same procedure again. Same hormonal injections followed by insemination. I’m not going to tell you exactly when we’ll be trying again – partly because I want to keep some things private. I don’t really need dozens of people waiting to hear the results of my pregnancy test! But also because I don’t know myself exactly when we’ll be able to try again. It all depends on how quickly my body gets back to normal after the loss. Since I was nearly 17 weeks along and there were two babies, its slightly different to a “normal”, early miscarriage. I do know I have to wait two cycles, so it definitely won’t be happening this year. Much as I would like to finally be able to hold a baby in my arms, I’m okay with that. After everything that’s happened this year, I’d be happy with an uneventful rest of 2018. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past three years, it’s patience. When baby-making doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to there is a lot of waiting involved. Waiting for the right time in your cycle to have certain tests, waiting to see whether it’s actually worked this time round, and waiting for the right time to start treatment. I’m used to waiting.

One of the worst things about having to start this process all over again – apart from the obvious fact that my boys deserve to still be here – is not knowing whether we will ever end up with a living, breathing baby that we can actually bring home with us. I was very lucky that I responded so well to the hormones and the IUI worked first time. That’s now what usually happens, and the doctor has already prepared me to not expect that again. We have two tries left and after that…. who knows. I am hopeful that things will work out for us, but it would be a lot easier if it was possible to look into the future and see that, if we just keep going, one day it will all have been worth it.


21 thoughts on “The unknown is scary…

  1. Waiting is so not fun. I wish an uneventful end of the year for you. I really do hope that you’ll be able to hold a baby in your arms. Who knows? Maybe it’ll be next year.

  2. Reading this breaks my heart for you and everyone who has such a touch time with something that you’d think would be so natural. I wish you a quiet rest of the year to heal, both physically and mentally, and will keep my fingers double-crossed that things will work out next year! Sending love and positive vibes your way!

    1. Yes, not being able to achieve something that seems like it should come naturally is one of the hardest things. Especially when, as in our case, the doctors can find no reason for it not to work. All positive vibes gratefully accepted. Thank you.

  3. Oh I HOPE, HOPE, HOPE that it will work out for you. I didn’t realise you were having fertility treatment until you recently alluded to it. It does seem very unfair that you, very responsible, educated, good, kind people are having trouble and some of the awful people I see around seem to be able to squeeze out a dozen. But you have a very good attitude to it , that is very, very commendable. Waiting is incredibly hard. I know you are not religious but I will still include you in my prayers!
    Sending you hugs.

  4. The unknown really is the worst part. Worse than the needles, blood tests, scans. But I really hope one day you’re looking back on this as a tough, but worthwhile time in your life.

    1. Yes, SO much worse than needles… although I’m not really looking forward to having to give myself daily injections again 😭
      I certainly hope so, although if you ask me this period in our lives has already been going on for long enough!

    1. Thank you. Even if we are lucky enough for it work quickly again I won’t have an actual baby until the very end of 2019, so if I do get pregnant again I suspect it will mostly be an anxious year 😂. Hopefully with a happy outcome though.

  5. Prayers continuing…with the hope that they’ll be answered in the way we all wish for. Enjoy the relative “calm” of the rest of this year: may it be a time of recuperation and rediscovery for you both.

      1. I listen to the podcast “You, Me & the Big C” presented by three (now 2, sadly) women living with cancer. One of the podcasts was about “the new normal”. I think that’s what you & Jan need to find – your new normal, that includes your two stars, and what their loss means for you. Life won’t ever be the old normal again. You need to find, and live with, what is your new normal. I imagine that will be very hard. xx

      2. Yes, that’s exactly what we need to do. Although it currently feels like we’re going back to an “old normal”… the one where I have to somehow attend a million doctor’s appointments without work being any the wiser.

  6. I saw ‘spotting’ in the books post and my heart fell. Good thoughts to you. Infertility is so hard and a almost constant low-level thumping grief. Fingers and toes crossed for your 2019 baby!

  7. When you’re trying, no matter by what method, the waiting can be agonising. I wish you a very restful rest of the year, and keep everything crossed for success when you ‘have another go’. The unknown is scary, but keep on trying and taking care of yourselves. I know the feeling of having so little control over the situation, and that thinking hope and luck are all you have, but often times that is enough.
    Sending huge positive vibes your way.

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