Isn’t it funny how certain songs seem to resonate with you at different times in your life? I’ve always been a fan of Fleetwood Mac, but recently a particular song has been playing over and over in my head. Or rather part of a song:
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older, and I’m getting older too
The song is, of course, Landslide and is sung by Stevie Nicks.
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing: While I haven’t actually been afraid to make changes as such – in fact, I’ve tried and tried to improve and become the best person I could possibly be in an attempt to prove to my boyfriend that I am worth taking a chance on. But very few of these changes have been for me – I won’t say none, because some have (like learning how to make friends. It hasn’t worked, in case you were wondering), but most of what I’ve been doing has been for our relationship – I’ve built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder, even children get older: One of my favourite people in the whole world had a baby last year. On 15 February, that baby will be a year old. And since he was born, nothing seems to have changed in my life. All my friend’s babies are growing up – my ex-boyfriend’s daughter will be 2 in May, and a second baby is now on the way. Sometimes, I don’t think much time has passed, but then I see how much all those tiny babies have changed and realise that it has, in fact, been literally years.
And I’m getting older too: I am getting older. There’s no two ways about it. I’m going to be 30 soon. The big 3-0!! How did that happen? I still remember panicking about turning 25. A whole qarter of a century! I couldn’t have imagined anything worse! But I survived… and now it doesn’t seem like 5 years ago. Each birthday since then has crept up on me, then I’ve woken up the next day feeling no different. 26 is not that much older than 25 after all, and is there really a difference between 27 and 26? Probably not. But the difference between 25 and 30 seems huge, and now I find myself wondering how did I end up here, like this?
I won’t be breaking up with my boyfriend just yet. For some reason, I still have hope (things have improved over the past year, after all), and we’ve also agreed to at least give it until he finishes his PhD, which will hopefully be in October (meaning he has a lot on his mind right now, even aside from whatever is going on between us). But stay or go, it’s time to make some changes. Not for our relationship. Not to become who I think Jan wants me to be. This time, I want to change for me. So that whether I stay or go, I can be happy within myself. The first step is to figure out what does make me happy.
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?